Deciding to Stay In Your Marriage: The Involved Partner
It takes more than an apology and a promise.
A sincere “I’m sorry” and a promise the remain faithful are good starting places, but real healing requires more effort from the Involved Partner. The one you heart as the right to ask, “What’s going to be different now? How will I know I can trust you again?” and expect clear answers.
This episode focuses on the work.
In this episode, we take a look at the Involved Partner’s responsibility in healing a relationship after their affair. Tim Teder talks with Dr. Deb Miller, a long-time psychologist who has shifted her work away from traditional affair repair and toward something often overlooked: the inner work of the person who broke trust.
Deb shares why an apology alone is never enough, and why real healing requires the unfaithful partner to take an honest look at their history, emotional patterns, and blind spots. Many people—especially men—struggle to examine their past or name their emotions, not out of malice, but because they were never taught how. Deb explains how understanding family-of-origin messages, past relationships, and even what felt “good” during the affair can become powerful clues for real change.
Together, Tim and Deb explore what meaningful remorse actually looks like, why empathy—not defensiveness—is the bridge back to trust, and why change is not a one-time event but an ongoing practice. They also talk about the balance of individual and couples work, the long shadow an affair can cast, and how couples can grieve the relationship they thought they had while slowly building something new.
Deb is the author of More Than Sorry, a guided journal designed to help unfaithful partners move beyond surface apologies toward genuine accountability and transformation.
LINKS and EXTRAS
Deb Miller’s Website and Book information: DrDebMiller.com
Understanding WHY Course with Coaching
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Dr. Deb Miller
Dr. Miller is a Missouri and Pennsylvania Licensed Professional Counselor who works with couples struggling with relationship repair. Her 25 years of experience have revealed a lack of resources needed for the cheater to deepen their apology, leading to relational and personal healing.
