Is there Meaning in this Pain?
Making Sense of the Senseless
Asking about meaning in suffering isn’t an attempt to minimize the agonizing pain that erupts after an affair. In fact, the pain deserves to be fully acknowledged. It’s real. It’s heavy. It matters.
But this question also dares to look into the pain—and beyond it—to wonder whether anything good might eventually grow from such wreckage. Can we see the glimmer of hope?
Our most significant growth is often born from our greatest struggles. That doesn’t make a bad thing good. But it does help us notice what’s good despite what’s bad.
Tim Tedder sits down with psychologist Bruce Chalmer, a longtime couples therapist who helps partners navigate betrayal, conflict, and change. Bruce shares why he sees infidelity not only as a crisis, but as a powerful turning point for learning, meaning, and growth.
A central theme of the conversation is Dr. Chalmer’s understanding of faith—not as religious doctrine, but as a mindset that accepts reality as it is and remains open to meaning even in pain. He explains how this orientation helps couples move beyond the desperate wish to “go back to how things were” and instead face the deeper questions betrayal raises. Tim and Bruce explore how rigid beliefs can sometimes block healing, while curiosity and humility open the door to transformation.
The conversation also touches on forgiveness, grief, and the tension every relationship faces between stability and intimacy. Bruce outlines his three-step view of forgiveness and clarifies what forgiveness is—and is not. He also introduces ideas from his book The Passion Paradox, which examines how real intimacy requires tolerating uncertainty, especially after betrayal. This episode offers a steady, compassionate framework for anyone trying to make sense of infidelity without rushing toward easy answers.
LINKS and EXTRAS
Dr. Chalmer’s Website: brucechalmer.com
Dr. Chalmer’s Book: The Passion Paradox
Sign up for our Weekly Newsletter for encouragement and information about recommendations and new resources for affair healing, relationship growth, and personal change.
Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.
Dr. Bruce Chalmer
Dr. Bruce Chalmer is a Vermont psychologist with over 30 years of experience helping couples. Through teaching, consulting, writing, podcasts, and videos, he’s supported thousands of couples and therapists.
With his wife, educator Judy Alexander, he co-hosts the Couples Therapy in Seven Words podcast.
Outside the office, he composes music (often with Jewish themes), sings and directs choirs, and has held leadership roles in Vermont’s Jewish communities.
