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My spouse admitted to an affair and says it's over, but I don't know if that's the truth. What should I do?

For a while, it will be natural for you to question & doubt your spouse. There is no shortcut around the time it takes for trust to be re-established. Even if the affair is 100% over, you will likely still wonder, and many of your spouse's behaviors will seem suspicious to you even if they are actually innocent.

You need reassurance.In my opinion, a betrayed spouse has the right to be reassured. Most find it impossible to blindly trust a new claim of honesty: "Yes, I was lying to you before but you should believe me because I'm not lying to you now." Your spouse should willingly give you open access to his/her schedule, phone history, text messages, email accounts, etc. Any attempt to keep parts of their lives private will only work against your ability to regain trust. For a while, you may need to investigate your suspicions in order to settle your fears. This shouldn't go on indefinitely, but it may be beneficial in the beginning stages of recovery to help you gain more confidence in your spouse's sincerity (or learn the truth about their insincerity). 

Your spouse's pattern of behavior will tell you something. What if you don't have any hard evidence but still don't believe your spouse is telling you the truth? Then what does the "soft evidence" tell you? By soft evidence, I simply mean those behaviors that tend to be present in a spouse who is being truthful and is committed to restoring the marriage versus behaviors that are usually present in spouses who are not being completely honest or not wanting to assume their responsibility in the healing process. In my experience, these evidence are accurate indicators of a spouse's sincerity and commitment.

Evidence of Sincerity and Commitment:
  • Remorse for hurting you (not just for getting caught).
  • Ongoing commitment to truthfulness.
  • Concern for your relief and comfort, not just their own.
  • Willingness to play a major role in healing process; to fix what they broke.

Evidences of Insincerity or Non-commitment:
  • Confessions limited to what has been uncovered. (No confession of unknown wrongs until you find them out.)
  • Confusion, not clarity, tends to be the outcome of any discussion about "the truth."
  • Quick shifts to defensiveness and blaming when questions are asked about the affair.
  • Expectation that you do the major work in recovery rather than accepting the responsibility themselves. Examples: (1) Expecting you to provide a checklist for change ("Just tell me what you expect me to do.") that is reluctantly followed rather than willingly taking the initiative. (2) Leaving it up to you to fight for the boundaries that help you feel safe rather than voluntarily establishing new rules for outside relationships.

In the absence of evidence, you have to make a choice.What if every observable indication seems to indicate that your spouse has been honest and is committed to rebuilding your relationship, but you still aren't sure you can believe them? In my opinion, it is better for you to act in belief. What I mean is that you should respond to your spouse as though they are telling you the truth (innocent until proven guilty). Is there some risk in this? Yes. Maybe they really are being dishonest. But without evidence, I believe you are better off assuming they are being truthful rather than assuming they are lying. Let me explain why... 

If we compare the likely outcomes of acting in belief versus acting in disbelief, I think the former encourages healing and avoids conflict more than the latter. Consider the likely possibilities:

If you choose to act in belief...
  • ...and your spouse is being truthful, then your response is seen as encouraging, trusting, and supportive and will reinforce the kind of choices you want them to keep making.
  • ...but your spouse is lying, then they will be doing what they were going to do anyway and eventually you'll find out, experience the pain of betrayal again (I don't mean to minimize that), and make appropriate choices. In the meantime, though, you will have avoided the "going nuts" routine of constant questioning, demanding, etc. that never works in your favor, anyway.

If you choose to act in disbelief...
  • ...and your spouse is being truthful, then they will become increasingly discouraged and may, finally, just give up trying. If your spouse is being honest and making sincere efforts to change, being constantly accused of not changing will quickly deplete any hope they had in marriage recovery.
  • ...and your spouse is lying, then all your accusing, arguing, and insisting will do nothing to change their behavior. In fact, it is more likely to make them more defensive and secretive. In this scenario, about all you can expect is ongoing conflict.

Here is the one exception to everything I've just said: If your spouse has always struggled with lying (even apart from the affair issues), then you will need to be more cautious. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. However, past behavior does not guarantee future behavior. People really can change. If your spouse shows a sincere, ongoing attempts to be honest with you, then you will also have to eventually decide between the two options listed above (belief/disbelief), but it may take you a bit longer to reach your choice.
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