Affair Healing
  • Courses
  • Coaching
  • Podcast
  • Resources
    • Books
    • Couples Retreat
    • Newsletter
    • Online Courses
    • Q & A
    • Stories

Affair healing Blog

The Gift of a Second Chance

3/19/2019

 
This is an edited copy of the letter one woman wrote to her husband after her affair. It is used with her permission. The entire letter is included as an extra resource in the Understanding WHY course.
Picture
​If you had told me seven months ago that I would be writing this letter, I might not have believed it—not because I am not profoundly sorry and regretful for my actions in the past, but because I never believed I could survive telling the truth, that you would survive hearing it, that we could survive its aftermath, or that you would even be willing to offer me the chance.
I have wished so many times that I could go back—not just to undo my betrayal, but to be a better and braver partner for you from the start. I entered our marriage thinking any problems we encountered would resolve on their own and things would get better over time. How wrong and naive I was to think so! 

From the start, I had trouble bringing up my concerns, but keeping them inside only allowed sadness, frustration, and resentment to build. I would try to give you nonverbal cues that I was upset instead of coming to you and saying out loud what was wrong... I entered our marriage unprepared to deal with real, day-to-day problems, and am just now learning how to be better at that.

While I continue to develop a complete understanding of why I failed you in the ways I did, I know without question that I was incredibly selfish, self-centered, and allowed many small resentments to build and harden my heart toward you. Instead of treating you and our marriage as a precious gift, I took you and it for granted. I put myself first, ahead of you, our kids, and our family, selfishly justifying my choices and then lying and deceiving to cover them up. 

Instead of continuing to turn toward you and persist in working on our problems, I turned away. I rejected and abandoned you, even as I continued to stay beside you and with you, physically present but absent in every other meaningful way...

The past seven months have been some of the hardest of my life, and I know for you they have been even worse. It hurts me to see you suffering and know I am the cause. You never deserved this burden, and you still don’t deserve the daily hurdles, big and small, you have to contend with. 

No one deserves to experience what you have, especially not at the hands of the one who promised to love him always. Because of what I did, I need to apologize and ask your forgiveness. I don’t know if I will ever be able to completely name the ways I have hurt and betrayed you, but I hope this letter will begin to cover the many ways I know I failed you.

I witnessed your pain after my initial betrayal and did not truly empathize with you. I have wished many times that I could go back and talk to that version of myself and stop her, but it wasn’t some other person; it was me, and I made the worst decision of my life. I felt bad and guilty to hurt you but still wanted my own selfish ways. I should have allowed the wrongness of my decisions and the evidence of your pain to stop me then and there, but I didn’t. I did not trust or believe in you and us enough to try one more time to improve our marriage. I gave up and allowed hopelessness and resentment to take root, and did not sincerely resist when a seemingly “easy” answer came to the loneliness I felt.

I began by lying to myself that I was justified and what I was doing would not lead to harm, and then I deceived you. I will regret those decisions and what they did to us both for as long as I live.

I hardened my heart toward you before, during, and even after the affair, always focused on my own needs and disappointments. How incredibly selfish I was!... Even after the affair ended, the secrets I was keeping caused me to steadily turn away from you as I walled you off and deprived you of affection, support, and companionship. 

I ruined your memories of a huge span of our life together and our children’s lives. My terrible decisions have given you triggers and haunted feelings wherever you go, whether it is looking through old photos, watching television, or going to a specific store, the lake, or our own home. I betrayed you so completely, so thoroughly, that in the aftermath I have robbed you of peace and given you trauma to deal with everywhere you turn. 

There is little in our lives I didn’t desecrate. I stole so many things from you--your trust, your memories, your peace, your faith, the parts of me I promised to you and only you. I know this disclosure has strained our marriage and you to the very limits of survival, and it isn’t fair that you have to bear the hardest and most undeserved burdens.

I broke all of the promises I made to you on our wedding day. I violated our emotional, spiritual, and sexual bonds by sharing these parts of myself with another person instead of you. I compromised my values, justified my own actions, and twisted the person we both believed me to be into someone unrecognizable. 

I lied, in ways big and small, every single day, whether by my actions or by the secrets I kept. I had many opportunities to come clean, but each time I was too afraid--afraid of how you would react, of our life falling apart, of having to answer for my actions, and of losing you. Yet, as you have pointed out many times, the life we were living, the marriage we were in, was no life or marriage at all.

I betrayed not only you, but our entire family, by investing my attention, time, and energy on a relationship that had no right to exist. When I think of the progress we could have made as a couple and a family if I had only turned to you and thrown myself into improving who we were during those years, I am overcome with sadness and regret. The only thing I can offer is a promise that I will never again betray or abandon you. By that I mean not only by remaining physically faithful but by making sure I never again neglect the person I cherish the most—you. I will work every day to express my love and appreciation for the things you do and the person you are, and how grateful I am to have married you, and that you are willing to help repair the damage I have done in our lives. 

I know I don’t deserve the second chance you are giving me and our marriage, but I am humbled and so very grateful to have it. It is not difficult for me to say I am so incredibly sorry for all I did and left undone. What is difficult is for that word, “sorry,” to truly express the depth of sorrow, shame, and regret I feel. I grieve for the innocence I destroyed in our marriage and in our lives, and for the pain I have inflicted on you.

I want you to know I see how hard you are working to get through this, and how lucky I feel that you are not only willing to stay by my side but want to help us be better. I want that, too!

The gift of a second chance is one I will not waste. I don’t deserve it, and I know I will be far from perfect in my efforts, but I am so grateful for the opportunity to begin again with you, and to connect in ways we never have before. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with you--building a new foundation together, always growing, always discovering, and working daily to stay close and connected. 

I told you early in our recovery how your responses have shown me the depth and character of the man I married. I do realize how incredibly lucky I am to have you and want you to know I see and appreciate how hard you have worked and continue to work. Few people, especially men, would be willing to endure what you have or be able to bear it with such strength and grace. Your commitment to me and to our marriage is a precious gift I will never lose sight of again. 

If I could somehow take this pain away from you and bear it myself, or restore peace to your mind and heart, I would. There is no way to rewrite or undo the damage I have done, no matter how much I wish it were possible. I am so sorry for hurting you.

For all the sorrow and regret I feel, I take heart in knowing we do have the power to change our story moving forward from a troubled and fractured marriage into one we both dreamed of—one that leaves an example of love and commitment to our children and everyone who cares about us. 

I know it won’t be easy, and our efforts will be far from perfect. We will have many hurdles and challenges in the years to come as we continue to heal from these scars and from the slings and arrows of ordinary life, but there is no one else I would rather walk beside on that journey. I love you and I am forever grateful that you are willing to give me a chance to prove it in all the ways you deserve.
Nancy link
3/19/2019 12:07:28 pm

I wish my husband could write this letter to me or even display 1/2 the remorse this woman has

K-
3/19/2019 03:21:16 pm

Seriously, an incredible beautiful letter. I wish you both the best, with that kind of sorry and acknowledgement, and humility, and that sublime husband,- you are both making the world a better place by the example you set, the compassion you display, and growing your love for one another in a deeply profound sacred way. May every blessing be there for you both!

S.
3/21/2019 03:01:58 pm

K,

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

Diane Vitarius
3/19/2019 06:20:48 pm

I love this letter. Wish my husband would write one like that to me. But instead he’s moved out and living with the other woman. He won’t talk to me or even acknowledge me. I just found out that I’m having heart issues and could really use his support

Tomas
3/20/2019 07:45:06 am

I've read this edited letter ..... but from her husband's point of view, what is she actually going to do! Big on emotional words, but what sacrifices is she making ? She says she's going to do what she should have done but that just gets the seesaw level. I don't see any evidence of the couple developing a past time that they can share together going forward.

Sorry, not that impressed I'm afraid!

Tim T
3/20/2019 07:53:06 am

Our request to use this letter came as a result of us working with her husband, not her. We asked to use it because he talked about how meaningful it was to him and how she was following through on what it expressed. So, from his point of view, it meant a lot.

S.
3/20/2019 11:40:02 am

Hello,

I am the author of this letter. I gave permission to share this intensely private, painful message meant only for my husband with some hesitation because I expected there would be some less than kind comments such as this one, but I agreed in the hope that it might help someone. I am sorry it does not help you. I think if you read the letter in its entirety, you might find answers to the questions you have, or perhaps not. It is as imperfect and incomplete as I am, and only a snapshot of the work my husband and I have been doing individually and together over the past 10 months. I understand you are probably hurting too, and that the tone of your comment likely stems from your own painful experiences. One of the things I appreciate most about the work that Tim and Sharon do is that they offer compassionate support to both partners as they work to grow and heal. Please keep in mind that all of our words, both in person and online, land somewhere, and this morning, yours landed on my heart, and they hurt. I wish you peace and hope in your own recovery.

Tony
3/20/2019 08:05:30 pm

Thank you S,
I feel as if your letter could have been written to me...I wish it was. My wife has tried, in her own way I suppose, to state her remorse and regret, but it's not what I'm needing. MY truth was trickled out over 3 1/2 years. NOTHING was ever admitted to that wasn't discovered first. I wish she would write this to me.
I may print this so I can read it and imagine that it is from her. Maybe that will help me somehow. I'm studying Stocism, that seems to help. (Things in my control...Things not in my control)
Thank you for your letter. If everyone else in the entire world derides it...It helped me.
Thank you
T

W
3/21/2019 02:12:22 pm

An incredible letter - tremendous display of empathy to the details of the suffering of a betrayed husband, as am I. Thank you so much for your willingness to share these thoughts. I have never received anything like this, and must admit I am envious.

Kerry
3/22/2019 06:53:34 am

S -
Your letter was wonderful. My wife had two affairs with the same person years apart and there were many things in your letter that resonated with me. After I read it I sent a link to my wife who was st work. That night she thanks me and commented on the similarities. She said she thought about trying to read your letter out loud to me because she could never put it into words so beautifully. But she knew she wouldn’t be able to get far without completely breaking down completely. We hugged and cried and she thanked me again for giving her a second chance.

GHB
3/27/2019 07:50:20 am

An open marriage could be the solution for such situations. Some people are just not monogamous.

Tim T
3/27/2019 08:58:17 am

I counsel couples in open marriages and trust/betrayal is as much an issue for them, just in a different context.

And it's rare for BOTH partners in a monogamous relationship to shift perspectives in this regard, especially when it is a values-based choice. One partner trying to push through change in that context usually causes problems, not solutions.

But I think this sidetracks the message of this wife's letter. ..

K
4/2/2019 10:23:33 pm

This letter resonates so deeply. I have been an unfaithful and I have not come out of it fully. So torn, so lost. I know It is a fantasy and not real but it feels real and the addiction is so strong. It has been discovered by my husband and I desperately want to be faithful, to love him again, to be vulnerable with him. But it is hard to find my way back.
Thank you for this letter. Maybe it will help me.

S
4/3/2019 12:41:11 am

Dear K,

My heart goes out to you. I ended my affair on my own 5 years ago and only confessed to my husband just short of a year ago, but I vividly remember that feeling of being torn in two. I can say with the clarity of time that yes, though you don’t want to believe it and still have feelings for your AP, it is not real. It is a terribly destructive way to numb the pain you have been feeling and is not a path to happiness. I say this because that was true for me, too. You probably know this in your heart already, or you wouldn’t be here. Please believe me when I tell you that no matter how much you believe you care for him or he for you, if the AP had any integrity, he would not have aided and abetted you in doing something so deceptive and devastating to someone you care about. He would not have asked you to compromise your values and become the person you had to become in order to sustain the affair. This is not a person you can build a healthy life with. I say this not to be harsh, but with compassion and understanding because I have been there, too.

I encourage you—urge you—to make a clean break and commit yourself to healing. You deserve to rebuild a life of integrity and to learn how to be healthy. Do whatever you must to end all contact with the AP and be willing to do whatever it takes to become trustworthy again. If you can’t do that alone, find a trusted friend, a support group, or a therapist to help hold you accountable. Give yourself time to come out of the affair fog and come clean, as painful as that is for both you and your husband. Lay it all out. Allow yourself time to grieve, but do NOT make contact in any way. If your husband is willing to give you another chance, please embrace it, walk beside him, and begin the the long and painful road toward healing. If he is willing to try, THAT is what real love looks like. I promise.

For a long time, you will feel more pain than anything else. Almost a year out, my husband and I still struggle, but I can see the progress we have made and feel hope again. No one can say what the outcome will be for your marriage, but there is a 100% chance it will end if you don’t at least give it a try. The work will be the hardest you have ever done, and your goal isn’t to return to your broken marriage, but to help each other heal, to learn to stop hiding and be vulnerable, and build something new. Take advantage of the resources here, find a therapist who specializes in affair healing, and read recommended books on the topic. A book that really helped me was “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald.” You could also take the “Understanding Why” course, as I currently am. It’s an independent study, but perhaps it would encourage you to know you have a friend out there studying along. I am sending you so much love, hope, clarity, and peace as you walk this difficult path.

S.

S.
4/3/2019 12:58:32 am

K,

I want to add, especially for betrayed spouses who may be reading, that by pointing out that the idealized AP is in fact, a person behaving just as selfishly and unhealthily as we are, in no way did I mean to shift blame for what happened. No matter how flawed the marriage, no matter what the AP did or said, WE had full control over the cascade of little decisions that led us to betray our spouses. You may not be at this place yet in your mind or heart, and that is okay. It took me a while to get there myself. It is work, hard work, that the involved spouse must do. To recognize our own selfishness, cowardice, and capacity for deception is incredibly difficult, but we need to do it, for our own growth, and because our spouses desperately need this from us. Again, I wish you full courage and strength as you rebuild your life.


Comments are closed.

    Author

    Unless otherwise noted, articles are written by Tim Tedder, a licensed counselor and creator of this site and its resources.

    Topics

    All
    Affair Fog
    Affair Partner
    AH History
    Anger
    Apologies
    Asking Questions
    Betrayed Partner
    Book Review
    Boundaries
    Change
    Children
    Choices
    Communication
    Confession
    Control
    Divorce
    Emotional Affairs
    Empathy
    Failure
    Forgiveness
    Getting Caught
    Grace
    Gratitude
    Grief
    Limerence
    Love
    Marriage
    Online Affairs
    Pain
    Personal Stories
    Pornography
    Rejection
    Separation
    Sex
    Shame
    Thoughts
    Triggers
    Trust
    Truth
    Unfaithful Partner

    RSS Feed

HOME | CONTACT US | SITE INDEX
Picture
Copyright ©2009-2022, Tim Tedder, LMHC, NCC & contributing authors. Content on this site cannot be used or reproduced without permission. AffairHealing.com is a resource of Currents Services, LLC.
  • Courses
  • Coaching
  • Podcast
  • Resources
    • Books
    • Couples Retreat
    • Newsletter
    • Online Courses
    • Q & A
    • Stories