Review: Scary Close
Reviewed by Tim Tedder
Summary
In Scary Close, Donald Miller invites readers on a raw and revealing journey of trading performance for presence and perfectionism for authenticity. After years of strained relationships and superficial charm, Miller reached a turning point: he was tired of trying to impress people and still felt alone. At forty, he made a bold and frightening decision—to drop the act and show up as his true self, even if it meant risking rejection. What follows is a candid account of learning how to love and be loved—not by playing a role, but by becoming someone worthy of trust.
With characteristic honesty and wit, Miller explores the universal struggle to relinquish control and embrace vulnerability. Through stories from his own life and reflections on what real intimacy requires, Scary Close becomes more than a memoir; it's a guidebook for anyone craving deeper connection.
Review
This book is on my top-5 “Books That Changed Me” list. When a friend recommended it to me, I was already aware of my need to be more authentic and vulnerable. Books like The Gift of Imperfection by Brene Brown had already challenged and encouraged me, but Donald Miller delivered the message in a very different way—one that provided me with a much clearer roadmap for change.
I have reread this book several times and used it with both individual clients and groups of men. Since the struggle against vulnerability is at the heart of most relationship problems (and core risk for infidelity, especially with men), I highly recommend this book to anyone, especially men, who hasn’t read it already.
Quotes
“As soon as I found something I could use to cover my shame, I grabbed it and wore it around and in some ways
felt like the real me was hidden behind a disguise.”
“It costs personal fear to be authentic but the reward is integrity, and by that I mean a soul fully integrated, no
difference between his act and his actual person. Having integrity is about being the same person on the inside
that we are on the outside, and if we don’t have integrity, life becomes exhausting.”
“I DON’T KNOW WHY LOVING A WOMAN IS SCARIER than climbing a mountain or sailing an ocean, but
it is. A mountain can hurt your body and an ocean can drown you, but in the end you’re still a man for
conquering them. Dead or alive, you’re still a man. A woman, though, can rob your manhood and reduce you to
a boy at the drop of a word. It’s no wonder we all try to control each other. Sometimes relationships feel like
we’re trying to emotionally cuddle with each other at the same time we’re tearing each other down.”
“All the people I’ve met who’ve really changed from unhealthy to healthy have a story, a story about hitting
bottom, realizing what they were doing wrong, and radically changing the way they live so they don’t repeat
their mistakes.”
“When I met couples whose marriages were thriving after thirty and forty years, none of them were riding an
emotional roller coaster of passion and then resentment. Instead, they loved each other as an act of their
conscious will. They were more in control of their love than their “love” was in control of them.”
“There’s truth in the idea we’re never going to be perfect in love but we can get close. And the closer we get, the
healthier we will be. Love is not a game any of us can win, it’s just a story we can live and enjoy. It’s a noble
ambition, then, to add a chapter to the story of love, and to make our chapter a good one.”
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