Review: Parents Who Cheat
Reviewed by Tim Tedder
Summary
Parents Who Cheat by Ana Nogales, Ph.D., explores the lasting impact of parental infidelity on children and adult children—whether you're the betrayed parent, the unfaithful one, or the child caught in between. Drawing from 35 years of clinical experience and original research, including her Parents Who Cheat Survey, Nogales reveals how infidelity can damage a child’s sense of trust, love, and self-worth. She addresses how boys and girls may respond differently, how parents can support their children during a crisis, and how adult children can heal from the wounds left behind. The book provides guidance on breaking cycles of betrayal and fostering healthier relationships.
Review
This book speaks directly to two important audiences: parents seeking to reduce the emotional fallout of an affair on their children, and adult children looking to better understand how a parent’s infidelity may have shaped their lives—both in the past and into the present. It’s a much-needed and valuable resource, and I recommend it to any parent or adult child navigating the effects of infidelity within their family.
The author explores a broad range of issues, grounding her insights in both clinical experience and compelling real-life narratives. Drawing from the voices of her clients and 822 responses to her Parents Who Cheat survey, she weaves together personal accounts of adult children reflecting on the enduring impact a parent’s betrayal had on them and their family dynamics. As a counselor specializing in affair recovery, I’ve seen this firsthand—how the ripples of infidelity often continue into adulthood, influencing trust, relationships, and self-worth.
Importantly, the book goes beyond simply naming the damage. It offers thoughtful, practical steps for healing emotional wounds and repairing broken connections. This combination of research, personal stories, and actionable guidance makes it a powerful tool for understanding and healing the often-overlooked legacy of parental infidelity.
Chapters:
When Parents Break Their Promise
If I Can’t Trust My Parents, Who Can I Trust?
Why Do I Feel So Ashamed?
What Does Marriage Mean if My Parents Cheat but Stay Together?
I Have a Love-Hate Relationship with My Cheating Parent
Is It My Job to Comfort and Side with My Betrayed Parent?
Am I Acting Out My Parents’ Infidelity Drama?
Can I Forgive My Unfaithful Parent?
Quotes from the Author
“Seventy-five percent of those who responded to our ‘Parents Who Cheat’ survey reported that they felt betrayed by the parent who cheated. Sixty-two percent felt ashamed. Eighty percent felt that their attitude toward love and relationships was influenced by their parent having cheated, and 70 percent said that their ability to trust others had been affected. Eighty-three percent stated that they feel people regularly lie. And yet, 86 percent reported that they still believe in monogamy!”
“A child of infidelity finds himself caught in a nightmare that offers few viable options: either accept the unacceptable— namely, being betrayed by your parent, who is supposed to give you unconditional love—and hope that doing so will ensure your parent’s love and attention, or express your outrage and risk being abandoned by the person whose love you so desperately want and need.”
“A parent’s sexuality should not be the business of a son or daughter. But when that sexual behavior represents a broken promise that is at the heart of every family—the marriage vow of faithfulness—children are inadvertently involved. The rules have been broken, and children know it.”
“Because each of these children of infidelity felt they could no longer trust one or both parents, their ability to trust others was severely damaged as well.”
“Sadly, many children of infidelity are either intentionally or unintentionally forced to play a role in their parent’s adultery scenario by keeping or divulging the secret that one parent is cheating on the other…”
“Whatever your reasons for remaining in an unfaithful marriage, you need to communicate with your children in an age-appropriate way so that they can best understand the situation. If there is constant arguing, suspicion, and unhappiness surrounding the issue of infidelity, children will be upset and confused. And even if you think the issue is well hidden from them, it almost never is. Even very young children pick up on their parents’ moods and emotions. If you deny that anything is wrong or fail to give a valid explanation for your anger, sadness, or withdrawal, you only add to a child’s confusion.”
“While it may be difficult for a betrayed parent to keep her (or his) resentment under wraps, it is very important to do so when children are within earshot. Children of any age shouldn’t have to hear harsh, disrespectful comments about their parent—even one who has been unfaithful. And they shouldn’t be forced to buy into their betrayed parent’s negative perspective on their other parent to prove their allegiance.”
“As a child of infidelity, you can neither deny that your parents’ behavior had an impact on your life, nor can you spend a lifetime blaming them for your inability to trust people or to enjoy satisfying relationships. Rather, paving the way to forgiveness involves gaining insight into your parents’ behavior and how it affected you; grieving for the ideal parent (or parents) you wish you had had; accepting that your cheating parent, like every human being, is imperfect; and then finding it within yourself to let go of the resentment and anger stemming from your family’s infidelity crisis.”
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