Making Marriage Choices After An Affair

Sara turned to look at Dave sitting at the other end of the couch in my office. With a mix of hope and caution she said, "I'm willing to work through this and fix our marriage. Are you?"

Dave was slow to respond. Since his affair had been discovered two weeks ago, he had been swinging between the choice to recommit to his marriage, or leave it for good. His indecision left Sara confused, uncertain about her own choices. She wanted him to make a declaration, one way or another, so she could decide what her next steps would be.

As long as Dave continued to vacillate, and as long as Sara waited on his choice before making her own, their relationship remained in limbo. Neither spouse was able to see a clear path forward.

Although the betrayed spouse also must decide whether or not to stay in their marriage, this article will focus on the decision (or indecision) of the unfaithful spouse. By reading the decision meter, each spouse can determine the steps that will guide them away from relationship limbo.

When the Unfaithful Spouse Wants To Leave

The Steps of the Unfaithful Spouse

Some partners want to leave their spouse to be with someone else. Others want to leave because they have lost all hope for a satisfying marriage. If you are certain about your choice to leave, you need to be honest with your partner.

You may find this hard to do for a number of reasons:

• You usually go to great lengths to avoid conflict.
• You are a people-pleaser.
• You don't want to be the "bad guy." Even though you had an affair, you don't want to be held responsible for ending your marriage.
• You are afraid of consequences that may result from leaving.

Failure to be honest will maintain confusion in your circumstance. While you may continue denying your intent to leave, the hidden fact of your choice will thwart any attempt toward healing. This may serve your purpose (you can claim "we tried" when your marriage ends), but you have an opportunity to do something better. Tell the truth.
 
The Steps of the Betrayed Spouse

If your spouse has declared their intent to leave the marriage, you should resist the urge to take responsibility for making them stay. Real healing won't begin with pleading, coercion, or threats. If they say they want to go, let them. Their leaving may or may not be permanent.

You are under no obligation to wait and see if your partner "comes back around" to be with you. Without a quick commitment, you may choose to take steps toward ending the marriage and moving on to new choices in your life.

Or you may choose to wait. The unfaithful spouse's desire to leave a marriage after an affair is often clouded by irrational thinking that may change as time goes on. If you decide to wait, let me make some suggestions.

​If you believe the affair is ongoing... establish strong boundaries. Separate, if possible, and commit to having no relationship interaction with your spouse until (1) the affair has ended and (2) they declare their single-minded intent to help restore your marriage. It may be hard for you to remain involved in their life, especially knowing they may be spending time with someone else, but move toward complete relationship separation and focus on your own healing.

If the affair has ended but your spouse still declares an intent to leave... you may choose to simply disengage enough to let them figure out what they really want. Instead of getting sucked into a power play in which you exhaust yourself in efforts to convince them to stay, maintain control of your own life and let your spouse struggle in their decision.

A story published in the New York Times several years ago tells one woman's response to her husband's declaration of "I don't love you anymore." The article, Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear, is a good example of a spouse who refused to be controlled by the confusion of her partner.

When the Unfaithful Spouse Is Uncertain

The Steps of the Unfaithful Spouse

There is significant risk of getting stuck in uncertainty as the needle points one way then the other in a repeated back and forth cycle. We sometimes call this the Ping-Pong Effect. This typically happens when the choice is being influenced by two forces that are opposed to each other. The first force is driven by expectation: Which choice makes me responsible? The other force is driven by desire: Which choice makes me happy? 

I would encourage you to slow down, step away from the conflicting pressures, and carefully consider what you are learning in this moment. Rather than trying to figure out which choice "makes you" one thing or another, you need to figure out the parts of you that got lost along the way (often early in life) and how to find your way back to a more authentic self.

This is where good counseling can help... counseling that focuses more on who you are becoming rather than getting what you want in the moment. One goal will lead you to a better story; the other will lead to superficial shifts.

Let this be the force that drives your decision: Who am I becoming? What is the deep story I want to tell with my life? Then make your choice.

The Steps of the Betrayed Spouse

​You cannot rebuild your marriage while your partner remains uncommitted. If you still hope for a healed marriage, you can express that desire to your spouse but you will have to wait for them to join you in the rebuilding process. In the meantime, focus on gaining individual perspective and stability.

Counseling may be helpful, but don't waste time or money on marriage counseling while your spouse is uncertain. Rather, seek out a Discernment Counselor to help guide each of you to choices regarding your marriage. If that is not an option, choose individual counseling instead.

At first, you may offer grace to your uncommitted spouse, making efforts to establish connection with them. You may also try to hold up hope, describing the kind of marriage you want to work toward. But your spouse must eventually join you in the effort. If they get stuck in uncertainty, you should establish widening boundaries in your relationship rather than trying harder to win them over.

When the Unfaithful Spouse Wants To Stay

​The Steps of the Unfaithful Spouse

Choosing to stay in your marriage is only the first step toward relationship healing. A deep wound needs to be repaired. You inflicted the injury; you need to take responsibility for recovery. Make a strong commitment to (1) ongoing honesty and (2) rebuilding trust with your wife/husband.

Your spouse has a part to play in healing, too, but don't be concerned about that right now. They may be too hurt and uncertain to do their part yet. You need to take first steps. You need to demonstrated your commitment without strings attached.

If you're not sure what to do, read Linda MacDonald's book, How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

No doubt, you have personal issues to work through. I strongly encourage you to seek counseling. If you do not gain proper insight into all that has happened, you will likely be vulnerable to future infidelity.

The Steps of the Betrayed Spouse

You should only engage in marriage-building with your spouse after they communicate a single-minded intent to join you in the process. Let them know what you need, but be open to learning what they desire from you.

As your marriage mends, you will need to offer forgiveness. You may not be ready to do that yet, but be clear in your intent to work toward it. Hope helps the healing.

There's no doubt about it: healing takes time. You will have emotional ups and downs in this process, but keep coming back to your intent to move toward intimate re-connection and trust.

The Steps for Both

Neither of you will be perfect in this effort, but don't let the moments of disappointment or disconnections become the expected norm. Find your way back to one another. Let "Forgive me for ___" become a common phrase. And, just as important, keep talking about the kind of marriage you are committed to building together.