10 Reasons Couples Counseling Doesn’t Work
Barriers to Effective Counseling for Couples in Affair Recovery
Written by Tim Tedder
I believe in counseling. I’ve spent more than two decades sitting across from couples and individuals, watching them wrestle with pain, shame, and confusion. And, many times, seeing them change in ways that still move me. Counseling, when done right, can be life-altering.
But I’ve also witnessed the opposite: sessions that go nowhere, patterns that repeat, and couples who walk away frustrated because “therapy didn’t help.” I’ve learned that when counseling fails, it’s rarely because the process itself is broken. It’s because something, or someone, is wrong inside the process.
In this article, when I use the word counseling, I’m including coaching as well. Whether you’re sitting with a licensed therapist or a qualified affair recovery coach, the same principles apply. Some problems come from the couple; others from the counselor. So, if you’ve tried couples counseling and found it unhelpful, or you’re considering it but hesitant, these ten reasons might explain why it sometimes doesn’t work, and what can make all the difference.
10 Reasons Overview
One-Sided Effort: Counseling can’t work when only one partner is truly engaged, while the other is merely showing up to appease or avoid conflict.
Secrets: Hidden truths (whether about an affair, trauma, or shame) undermine any chance for real healing.
The Wrong Agenda: Counseling fails when each person’s goal is to get the other to change instead of owning their part.
Competing Agendas: Without a shared vision for the relationship, counseling becomes a tug-of-war rather than a path forward.
An Invisible Participant: Ongoing contact with an affair partner sabotages the process by keeping deception alive.
Skipping the Trauma: Counselors who overlook betrayal trauma rush the process and leave wounds unhealed.
Addressing Symptoms, Missing the Cause: Focusing on surface issues, such as communication or sex, ignores the deeper roots of disconnection.
No Roadmap: Counseling that lacks structure or direction keeps couples stuck in the same problems without making progress.
Lopsided Focus: Recovery stalls when the counselor sides too heavily with either partner instead of guiding both toward growth.
The Wrong Fit: Even skilled counselors aren’t right for everyone; finding someone you trust and connect with matters most.
The Couple’s Barriers
1. One-Sided Effort
Couples counseling can’t work if only one person is truly trying. When one partner is pushing for help and the other is just along for the ride, every conversation becomes an uphill climb. You might see it in the tone—the reluctant partner sits with arms folded, answers in one-word sentences, and checks the clock while the other pleads for change.
When participation is driven by guilt, manipulation, or threat (“If you don’t go, I’m leaving”), the reluctant partner isn’t really showing up. They’re performing compliance. But honesty, even when it sounds resistant, is often a healthier start. When someone admits, “I don’t want to be here,” that’s real. It gives the counselor something true to work with.
For counseling to help, both participants must at least be willing. You don’t need equal enthusiasm, but you do need mutual consent. If your partner is reluctant, invite them to give it a fair trial: three sessions, no pressure, no promises. After that, if they still feel counseling isn’t right, let them step back. You can continue working independently to stay grounded and healthy, regardless of their choice.
2. Secrets
Counseling can only work when it’s built on truth. If one of you is holding on to a secret (an affair that’s not fully disclosed, an undisclosed plan to leave, hidden debt, or unspoken shame), it’s like trying to patch a roof without noticing the cracked foundation. The counselor works with what’s visible, unaware that the real fracture lies beneath the surface.
Many couples become stuck for reasons that remain unclear. Sessions feel foggy; progress feels off. Later, when a buried truth comes out, the whole picture finally makes sense. I’ve seen it again and again. Sometimes the secret is about infidelity; other times it’s about unresolved trauma, private judgments, or a personal failure that’s been quietly shaping every interaction.
No one comes in ready to spill every truth they’ve ever buried, and that’s okay. But progress depends on a willingness to move toward transparency. As trust grows, take the risk of revealing what’s been hidden. It can feel awkward or frightening, but real transformation usually happens in the light. Secrets protect the ego, not the relationship.
3. The Wrong Agenda
Couples often walk into the room hoping the counselor will help fix their partner. “If only she’d listen.” “If only he’d stop shutting down.” Each person nods politely at the idea of “working on myself,” but underneath, they’re waiting for validation that they’re right.
This is one of the most common and most destructive traps in counseling. Each person becomes an attorney, building a case instead of building understanding. The counselor becomes the judge they’re trying to convince. But real healing begins when both people drop their defenses and look inward: “What’s my part in this pattern?”
Change rarely happens in a 50-50 split, but progress always begins with ownership. Even if you think only 20% of the problem belongs to you, take full responsibility for that 20%. Growth starts there. It’s not about blame; it’s about reclaiming power over what you can change.
4. Competing Agendas
Every couple needs a shared goal before they can move forward. Without it, counseling becomes two people pulling in different directions. You can’t build a home using two different blueprints.
Sometimes one partner comes in desperate to repair the marriage while the other quietly wonders how to leave it. Others differ on what “better” even means: more sex versus more independence, closeness versus space, harmony versus honesty. Without agreement on the purpose of counseling, progress stalls. If you don’t know whether you share the same vision, start there. Ask yourselves, “What do we each hope happens here?”
And if one of you has one foot out the door, it may be time for Discernment Counseling, a structured process that helps couples decide whether to repair or release the relationship before doing deeper work. Clarity must come before collaboration.
5. An Invisible Participant
Counseling becomes futile when there’s another person secretly involved. If an affair partner is still in the picture through ongoing communication or hidden meetups, the session isn’t between two people. It’s a triangle. And as long as that triangle exists, the couple can’t heal.
I once worked with a man who met his affair partner in a park after every counseling session to give her a report of what had been discussed. They were planning their strategy for what he’d share, what he’d hide, and how long he’d pretend to be “trying.” His marriage counseling wasn’t counseling at all; it was a cover.
If you’re still in contact with an affair partner, you don’t have a couple’s problem; you have a truth problem. Counseling can’t work while deception continues. Be honest about your reality, even if it means postponing joint sessions. The secrecy must end before healing can begin.
The Counselor’s Barriers
6. Skipping the Trauma
Now we move into counselor territory: mistakes that come from the professional side of the room. One of the biggest is skipping over betrayal trauma. Too many well-meaning counselors, untrained in affair recovery, rush into communication skills and emotional needs without first tending to the gaping wound of betrayal.
Infidelity isn’t just a relationship issue; it’s a trauma. The betrayed partner’s nervous system is on high alert, flooded with intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and panic. Trying to rebuild trust without first stabilizing trauma is like asking someone to run a marathon on shattered legs.
Before diving into “how to rebuild intimacy,” the counselor must slow down and address safety, truth, and emotional grounding. If your therapist doesn’t seem to understand the trauma component, or treats it like a footnote, find someone who does. Specialized affair recovery counseling always starts there.
7. Addressing Symptoms, Missing the Cause
Even experienced counselors can fall into the trap of treating symptoms while missing causes. They see poor communication, conflict cycles, or low sexual connection and begin applying familiar tools: “use I-statements,” “schedule date nights,” “speak your love language.” Those tools may provide temporary relief, but without understanding why the disconnection exists, they don’t last.
After infidelity, those surface-level fixes can even feel invalidating. I’ve had clients tell me about sessions where the betrayed partner was asked, “Have you thought about how you might have contributed to your spouse’s affair?” as if not meeting a need justifies deceit. That counselor was guilty of misdiagnosis.
Healthy counseling digs deeper. It explores what made the relationship vulnerable, what internal needs drove the affair, and what patterns shaped both partners long before the betrayal. When you understand the why, you can finally change the how.
8. No Roadmap
If counseling feels like the same conversation every week, you may not have a roadmap. A good counselor doesn’t just react to whatever issue showed up yesterday; they know the terrain you’re traveling through. They can explain where you are, what’s next, and how each step builds toward healing.
I once sought marriage counseling myself with someone considered “the best in the area.” Yet every session started the same way: “So, what’s going on with you two this week?” He’d glance at his notes to remember our names. There was no direction, no continuity, and certainly no movement. We left feeling as frustrated as before.
Affair recovery is a journey with predictable phases: exposure, reaction, clarity, cooperation, and connection. Your counselor doesn’t dictate your destination, but they should guide you through those stages with purpose. If each session feels like déjà vu, it might be time to find someone who knows the path.
9. Lopsided Focus
In the aftermath of infidelity, one partner is clearly the offender and the other the injured. Early on, that distinction matters. But when counseling stays stuck in that division, it becomes unbalanced. Some counselors unconsciously ally with the betrayed partner, creating a two-against-one dynamic. Others swing the opposite way, pushing the hurt partner too quickly toward forgiveness or intimacy.
Both extremes wound the process. The guilty partner can’t heal if they feel forever branded as the bad guy. The betrayed partner can’t heal if they feel rushed to “get over it.” As Esther Perel wisely said, “The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage.” Healing eventually requires both people to take responsibility for different things, at different times… but together.
In the early stages, the focus rightfully leans toward the betrayer’s accountability and empathy. Later, both partners must turn toward their shared work of growth, learning new ways to be honest, open, and emotionally connected. When both are challenged, counseling works.
10. The Wrong Fit
Even the best counselor might not be the best counselor for you. Sometimes it’s about style, tone, personality, or even subtle triggers you can’t name. Maybe the counselor reminds you of someone from your past. Maybe their spirituality feels too heavy, or too absent. Maybe they talk too much, or too little.
When I was early in my career, I took it personally if a client said I wasn’t a good fit. Now I see it as part of the process. Therapy is relational; chemistry matters. The right fit makes vulnerability easier and trust more natural. The wrong one makes you guarded.
If you consistently leave sessions feeling misunderstood or uneasy, talk about it. A good counselor won’t be offended—they’ll help you find someone who’s a better match. Just be sure you’re not using “fit” as an excuse to avoid discomfort. Sometimes, growth feels awkward before it feels right.
When Counseling Can Work
If you’ve read this far, maybe you’ve experienced some of these pitfalls firsthand. Maybe you’ve sat in sessions that left you wondering whether change was even possible. Don’t give up on the process yet. Counseling can be effective when honesty, readiness, and guidance are aligned.
Start by checking your own posture. Are you open? Transparent? Willing to see your part in the story? Then look at your counselor’s approach. Do they understand affair recovery? Do they create a sense of safety while still challenging you to grow? When both partners and the counselor are aligned in truth and purpose, transformation happens.
I’ve seen couples on the brink of divorce rediscover each other. I’ve seen betrayed partners move from rage to compassion. I’ve seen unfaithful partners shed their defenses and finally live with integrity. The process isn’t quick or easy, but it is possible.
Our coaches are qualified to help you move through the affair healing process. Whether you’re working to rebuild your marriage or simply find your own healing, we’ll help you move from surviving to growing—one honest step at a time.
