Emma’s Story: An Unfaithful Wife’s Affair Apology Letter
A past client wrote this affair apology letter to her husband. She gave her permission to share it. The subheadings were added by me. -Tim Tedder
The Letter I Never Imagined Writing
If you had told me seven months ago that I would be writing this apology letter, I might not have believed it—not because I am not profoundly sorry and regretful for my actions in the past, but because I never believed I could survive telling the truth, that you would survive hearing it, that we could survive its aftermath, or that you would even be willing to offer me the chance. Yet, here we are, closer in so many ways, learning to become closer still, and starting from scratch in other ways—yet building on the foundation of a dream we started over two decades ago.
I have wished so many times that I could go back, not just to undo my betrayal, but to be a better and braver partner for you from the start. I entered our marriage thinking any problems we encountered would resolve on their own, and things would get better over time. How wrong and naive I was to think so!
Looking Back With Regret
From the start, I had trouble bringing up my concerns, but keeping them inside only allowed sadness, frustration, and resentment to build. I would try to give you nonverbal cues that I was upset instead of coming to you and saying out loud what was wrong. Yes, I eventually wrote you a long letter, but I should have been bringing things up as they happened so we could address problems while they were small instead of allowing years of grievances to accumulate and create distance between us. I am sorry I lacked the maturity and courage to do that. I entered our marriage unprepared to deal with real, day-to-day problems, and am just now learning how to be better at that.
While I continue to develop a complete understanding of why I failed you in the ways I did, I know without question that I was incredibly selfish and self-centered, allowing many small resentments to build up and harden my heart toward you. Instead of treating you and our marriage as a precious gift, I took you and it for granted. I put myself first, ahead of you, our kids, and our family, selfishly justifying my choices and then lying and deceiving to cover them up.
Turning Away When I Should Have Turned Toward You
Instead of continuing to turn toward you and persist in working on our problems, I turned away. I rejected and abandoned you, even as I continued to stay beside you and with you, physically present but absent in every other meaningful way, which is even worse than being physically gone.
The past seven months have been some of the hardest of my life, and I know for you they have been even worse. It hurts me to see you suffering and know I am the cause. You never deserved this burden, and you still don’t deserve the daily hurdles, big and small, you have to contend with. It breaks my heart to witness how I have wounded you in every way—to borrow from our counseling: physically, mentally, and spiritually—and how I allowed it to go on for years instead of being brave and kind enough to tell the truth and begin the path of healing long ago.
No one deserves to experience what you have, especially not at the hands of the one who promised to love them always. Because of what I did, I need to apologize and ask for your forgiveness. I don’t know if I will ever be able to completely name the ways I have hurt and betrayed you, but I hope this letter will begin to cover the many ways I know I failed you.
I witnessed your pain after my initial betrayal and did not truly empathize with you. I have wished many times that I could go back and talk to that version of myself and stop her, but it wasn’t some other person; it was me, and I made the worst decision of my life. I felt bad and guilty for hurting you, but still wanted my own selfish ways.
The Damage I Caused
I should have allowed the wrongness of my decisions and the evidence of your pain to stop me then and there, but I didn’t. I did not trust or believe in you and us enough to try one more time to improve our marriage. I gave up and allowed hopelessness and resentment to take root, and did not sincerely resist when a seemingly “easy” answer came to the loneliness I felt. Instead of using those feelings as a warning bell to turn toward you and discuss the crisis we were most definitely in, I instead turned away, answered my feelings of entitlement, and dove right into a situation that would cause exponentially more pain and lasting scars to us both.
I began by lying to myself that I was justified and what I was doing would not lead to harm, and then I deceived you. I will regret those decisions and what they did to us both for as long as I live.
I allowed you to believe in a reality that wasn’t true, and my continued deceit caused you to feel confused, angry, and rejected. I abused and took advantage of your trust and convinced you everything was fine, or that your concerns could be attributed to some other reason when you had a sense that something was wrong. So many times you would tell me you felt something was “off” and you just couldn’t put your finger on it, and I know it must have been because you sensed there was a profound problem.
I ruined your memories of a huge span of our life together and our children’s lives. My terrible decisions have given you triggers and haunted feelings wherever you go—whether it is looking through old photos, watching television, or going to a specific store, the lake, or our own home. I betrayed you so completely, so thoroughly, that in the aftermath, I have robbed you of peace and given you trauma to deal with everywhere you turn.
Living a Lie
I hardened my heart toward you before, during, and even after the affair, always focusing on my own needs and disappointments. How incredibly selfish I was! By allowing my needs to be met outside of our marriage, I reduced my investment and interest in nurturing our relationship. I devoted time and attention that rightly belonged to you and to us to someone else. I allowed the good, but illusory feelings from the affair to feed my resentment toward you, so that no matter how much you tried, I would not be able to truly appreciate your best efforts to be thoughtful and loving toward me.
Even after the affair ended, the secrets I was keeping caused me to steadily turn away from you as I walled you off and deprived you of affection, support, and companionship. I regret with all my heart that I treated you this way, especially when you were trying in all the ways you knew to be a good husband and father.
Because protecting myself and the affair relationship, and later myself and my secret, were more important to me than your peace of mind and well-being, I lied to myself and told myself it was better for you not to know. I arrogantly made decisions that changed your life without your knowledge or consent. Then, I assured you that your bad feelings were baseless and caused you to doubt your own intuition.
Though it was never my intention, my failure as a wife damaged your self-esteem and left you feeling many of the painful feelings I had complained about for years. I had many opportunities to come clean, but each time I was too afraid—afraid of how you would react, of our life falling apart, of having to answer for my actions, and of losing you.
The Man You Are, the Chance You've Given
You always acted toward me from a sincere place of love and devotion, and I answered it by growing ever more resentful, unappreciative, and self-pitying. I allowed my own selfishness to fuel choices that ripped your heart and world apart and made you question everything you thought you knew about me, yourself, and our lives. I have saddled you with unspeakable pain and isolation that you don’t even have the luxury of relieving by sharing with anyone other than me and our children.
I disrespected our home, our marriage, our family, and you. I put my needs above anyone else’s and then worked diligently to cover it up. I behaved in ways that were immature, destructive, and selfish instead of learning to grow up and handle problems in a mature and productive way. You deserved, and deserve, so much more than that.
I want you to know I see how hard you are working to get through this, and how lucky I feel that you are not only willing to stay by my side but want to help us be better. I want that, too!
Your commitment to me and to our marriage is a precious gift I will never lose sight of again. Few people, especially men, would be willing to endure what you have or bear it with such strength and grace. I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have you, and I want you to know I see and appreciate how hard you have worked and continue to work.
A Promise to Keep Choosing You
The gift of a second chance is one I will not waste. I don’t deserve it, and I know I will be far from perfect in my efforts, but I am so grateful for the opportunity to begin again with you, and to connect in ways we never have before. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with you—building a new foundation together, always growing, always discovering, and working daily to stay close and connected.
If I could somehow take this pain away from you and bear it myself, or restore peace to your mind and heart, I would. There is no way to rewrite or undo the damage I have done, no matter how much I wish it were possible. I am so sorry for hurting you.
We can never forget or erase what happened. But I hope in time, these painful experiences will inform the way we care for each other and our marriage without dominating our thoughts.
For all the sorrow and regret I feel, I take heart in knowing we do have the power to change our story moving forward from a troubled and fractured marriage into one we both dreamed of—one that leaves an example of love and commitment to our children and everyone who cares about us.
I love you, and I am forever grateful that you are willing to give me a chance to prove it in all the ways you deserve.
