Find an Affair Recovery Counselor

Written by Tim Tedder

[This article is available as a PDF Download.]

Affair Counseling: A Specialized Focus

Imagine a man with high blood pressure being hit by a truck while crossing a street. He smashes to the pavement, broken and bloodied, and a nearby doctor rushes to his aid. The doctor quickly assesses the situation, then exclaims, "Man, you're in poor health. You need to eat better and work out more!"

Ridiculous? Sure. But I'm surprised at how often a couple in crisis will come to me and tell me the same story about their previous counseling experience. Even though they had just experienced the trauma of an affair, the counselor spent one or two sessions asking questions about their condition and then began focusing on issues like communication and conflict resolution. Some counselors went so far as to tell the couple that it would not be beneficial for them to focus on the affair.

So, the couple tried to do what they were told; they struggled to practice the fundamentals of a healthy relationship, and their marriage continued to bleed out. I am infuriated when I hear stories like these because I know someone failed to provide the help they needed. Focusing on relationship basics is essential to the counseling process, but only after a couple is stable enough to do so.

Why do some counselors deal so poorly with affair issues? I assume most of them are not knowledgeable or comfortable enough with such messy situations. They quickly turn to the basic skills because they feel more confident in these areas. But their effectiveness is usually no better than a doctor who prescribes blood pressure medicine to an accident victim without treating his wounds.

Here's what one client had to say about her initial counseling experience:

“The first counselor I went to confused me. She wanted us to process the whole affair in one or two sessions and seemed to place all the responsibility on me. She said I needed to forgive him right away to heal our marriage. It felt like I was being asked to ignore all the pain and confusion I was feeling.”

If your marriage needs a tune-up, most counselors can help you discover a more satisfying relationship. But if it has experienced an affair trauma, be more intentional about finding an affair recovery counselor—one who has expertise in infidelity issues. Ensure the wounds have been treated before returning to your relationship's "diet and exercise."

Comments from Authors

In her book Not Just Friends, Shirley Glass lists the following guidelines for assessing whether you have been able to find the right affair recovery counselor: Is your counselor…

• Lacking in direction?
  Are things improving, or do you feel hopelessly stuck? If stuck, are you gaining insight into the reasons? Does your counselor sit back and listen, or does she/he provide structure and direction?

• Judgmental?
  Does your counselor let personal values dictate their counsel? Is your counselor either adamantly against divorce under any circumstances or strongly opposed to remaining with an “adulterous” partner?

• Minimizing?
  Does your counselor dismiss the pain of the distressed partner, insisting that he/she move on? Are emotional problems viewed as over-reactions?

• Unwilling to focus on the affair?
  Is your counselor uncomfortable with the betrayed partner asking questions about the affair? Are they willing to walk with you through information processing, or do they want to move on to “working on the marriage” instead of focusing on the affair?

• Blaming?
  Does your counselor focus on either partner as the cause of the affair, blaming them for what happened? Does she/he attack rather than encourage insight by exploring the reasons for the affair?

• Impatient?
  It takes many months to rebuild a relationship after an affair. Your counselor should not be encouraging you to quit the process early on just because you don’t feel in love, or aren’t happy, or your needs aren’t being met, or because you’re only doing it for the sake of the children. These are all common feelings, but a good counselor knows that their permanence cannot be determined until enough work is done over time.

Questions to Ask a Counselor

If you need help with affair recovery, here are some essential questions to ask a potential counselor:

• How long have you been counseling?

• Faith-based or faith-independent counseling? If either of these is important to you, ask the counselor if they bring any particular faith-based perspective into their counseling.

• What are your areas of focus? Ask this before you tell them what you need. That way, you'll get a more realistic perspective of their expertise.

• Do you do counseling for affair recovery? Can you give me an idea of your approach to helping clients work through affair recovery? Pay attention here. If a counselor spends 1 or 2 sessions on the affair and then wants to move on to "regular" marriage or individual counseling, you likely will be frustrated with them.

What should you expect?

That’s a great question, but you should begin by considering these questions: What do I expect? Would that expectation necessarily result in a healthy outcome?

These are important questions because the measure of “successful affair recovery counseling” is often based on the betrayed partner's assumption that the only correct outcome is keeping a marriage together. However, the healthiest choice for a betrayed partner in a marriage with a spouse who shows little commitment to working toward change must likely consider what boundaries must be established. From a therapeutic perspective, helping clients develop clear boundaries (even if that leads to separation or the end of a relationship) is an integral part of their work.

Here’s what you can expect from a counselor who knows how to work with you through the various stages of affair recovery:

• If both partners agree on wanting to work on reconciliation and relationship renewal and are both willing to work on change, your counselor will be able to help you get there.

• If either partner is uncertain about what they want or unwilling to do any necessary work, your counselor can help guide each partner toward greater clarity regarding their next steps.

• If the involved partner continues untrustworthy behavior, the counselor will help the injured partner discern healthy choices and whether recovery is a joint effort or an individual one.

• If the injured partner is unwilling to move toward eventual forgiveness, the counselor will help the involved partner discern healthy choices and whether recovery is a joint effort or an individual one.

• If an affair has resulted in irrecoverable damage (either because the involved partner continues in their behavior or the wounds of the injured partner run too deep), the therapist will help the couple consider their options in ways that encourage healing while avoiding damage.

It may take a bit more effort to find an affair recovery counselor who is a good match for your needs, but the time and money you will be investing in their help are reason enough to do the extra work.