Affair healing Blog
When a partner has been betrayed and carries the wound of an affair, they long for the spouse to feel their pain and accept responsibility for it. To do this, the unfaithful partner must be willing to move toward that hurt rather than away from it. But let's be honest: most of us aren't wired that way.
In the presence of such overwhelming suffering, often expressed in anger, the guilty husband or wife usually reacts in self-protective ways by either avoiding or attacking their spouse. When that fight-or-flight response is mixed with a strong desire to sidestep the shame of an affair, it's easy to understand why so many cheating spouses simply want to voice a confession and then move on to other matters.
During July 2015, one of our Community forum members posted a message in response to an unfaithful spouse who was frustrated because his wife remained angry about his affair. It's worth reprinting again. This is an edited version of her response, but you can read the the full post here.
You can feel put out that your wife is so insanely angry abut your affair, but it's not going to get you anywhere. Stop thinking of it as judgement from your spouse and, instead, judge yourself. Can you sit and own the choices you made and all the consequences that followed as yours and yours alone? When you can do that, I think empathy will come easier, your wife will feel safer, and some of her anger will dissipate. There were very few times—I'm talking nanoseconds—when my spouse showed real remorse without any defensiveness. And you know what? In those nanoseconds (until his defenses went up again, of course) my anger melted away.
I think every wayward spouse seriously underestimates the fear and intense pain, both emotional and physical, caused by what they have done. It's in their interest to do so, since as seeing it too clearly would feel awful.
Years ago, I was video recording the “Family Night” event at our church’s summer camp. It was before the age of digital cameras and phones, and so my VHS recording would become the only visual documentation of that event.
The program was filled with the usual mix of silly and folksy presentations: skits, songs, and children pretending (usually unsuccessfully) to have talent. About halfway through the event, one of our elderly members started his stand-up comedy routine. He was a friend to many, father and grandfather to some who were there.
I witnessed the event through the lens of the video camera, watching his animated movements as he entertained the audience. When he suddenly stumbled forward, I thought it was part of the act. The witnesses did, too, even as he fell to the ground.
I will never forgive my husband. I will never forgive the whore who took him away from me. This wasn't my choice and yet I have to carry the pain for their selfish choices. I hope they both rot in hell.
It's a sentiment often expressed, in one way or another, by those who have been betrayed by infidelity. The pain inflicted on them, perhaps the greatest emotional pain they will ever experience, is undeserved. Why would anyone even suggest forgiving such a selfish, unjust act?