What do I do with my anger?
If you found out your spouse has cheated on you, you will experience anger. Don't hesitate to express it. Anger is actually an indication that you care. It will help you survive and help keep depression away. Anger is an appropriate emotion, but if you let it control you a lot of damage can be done.
Initially, you may not have much control over your reactions, but eventually you can be more thoughtful in the way you express your outrage. Here are a few things to consider:
Guard your words.
You can be honest and firm, but try to stay away from abusive words or actions since these will continue to destroy your relationship. Because you have been so deeply hurt, you may want to hurt back. It may even seem like this is what your partner deserves (and maybe they do). But if you go into "payback mode" you will likely continue to add to the damage your partner has already done to your relationship.
Don't hold it in.
Don't just stuff your anger. You need to find ways to express it. Here are a few suggestions.
Initially, you may not have much control over your reactions, but eventually you can be more thoughtful in the way you express your outrage. Here are a few things to consider:
Guard your words.
You can be honest and firm, but try to stay away from abusive words or actions since these will continue to destroy your relationship. Because you have been so deeply hurt, you may want to hurt back. It may even seem like this is what your partner deserves (and maybe they do). But if you go into "payback mode" you will likely continue to add to the damage your partner has already done to your relationship.
Don't hold it in.
Don't just stuff your anger. You need to find ways to express it. Here are a few suggestions.
- Find a good same-sex friend that will let you vent. This should be someone who cares about you and who is trustworthy (able to keep your conversations private).
- Do any form of exercise. Look for ways to physically let out your aggression without hurting others. If you're a runner, imagine your anger shooting from your feet into the ground each time you step down.
- Start a journal. This shouldn't be a diary (summary of events) but should be a written expression of what you feel or what you'd want to communicate to your partner or to God. Most people find relieve in letting their thoughts come out in words written on paper. (I encourage the use of pen & paper, but typing it into a computer file is also an option.) Let it out! Be honest. Don't think about your journal as something that somebody might read someday. Instead, think of it as a temporary, private container of your honest thoughts and feelings. Keep it private and hidden. You can always choose to get rid of it later when its use is over.
- Make a list. Maybe it's not time to process everything that angers you right now, but you can begin making an angry list. Add to the list as new things come to mind. Eventually, you'll have an opportunity to express all of these things... or to decide they no longer matter. Either way, make a record of them.
- Take out your anger on something else. If you have pent up rage, you may need to find a safe way to express it. Let me give you one idea, and then maybe you can come up with something that works better for you... Find a large open space that is private. This might be a garage, a basement, and open room, the woods, or your backyard (if your neighbors can't see you). Get some old pillows or cushions and pile them up. Find a bat. It can be a wood one or one of those heavy plastic ones (if you have kids). Now, imagine that pile of pillows is all the "stuff" that makes up your spouse's affair. See it as a pile of pain, not a particular person. Now, BEAT THE CRAP OUT IF IT! It will feel good.
- Find a trusted counselor who can help you learn who to healthy expression to the anger.
Additional Resources:
- Podcast #103: "Dealing With Anger After an Affair."
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