Affair healing Blog
I begged God to help me get through the grief. He was so good to comfort me and to restore my hope as I prayed. Before I knew it, I was going about life again and even enjoying it. I would begin to find my rhythm and to embrace the life I had come to know that included the big A in it, only to be slammed up against [a] wall again within a matter of days because something triggered my crushed heart and made it start bleeding again. It wasn't until I started down this painful path that I realized that grief comes and goes. It definitely came and went in my life up to this point, but I never really got it. In the early days of loss, grief is a constant companion, the kind of "friend" who smothers you and gets in your personal space. You give in to that friend, and it gradually starts giving you some room to breathe. But if you don't pay enough attention to it, grief decides it really needs to be close to you again. I grieved the loss of my marriage as knew it, and as odd as it sounds, I began to heal at the very same time. One of the things I learned about grief is that you don't lose the person (or the dream or whatever it is you lost) all in one day. You lose him, her, or it gradually as you go about your life. When you experience something that reminds you of what you lost, you grieve. When you see something that takes you back to an old memory, you grieve. That is probably why the first year of a loss is so difficult: the first Christmas, first birthday, first anniversary, first dance recital... many firsts that do not resemble the way things use to be. When this started happening, I learned that I had to give myself permission to cry, to feel the sadness, to carry the weight of the burden, to realize that if my husband and I made it to a 60-year celebration of marriage, he would not be able to say that he was faithful to me all the days of his life. That was my new life, my new normal. If I didn't do something with all of these emotions, I would never make it through. I had to push through the pain, or it would be with me until I did. I cried at home, at work, at church, at the grocery store, in front of people, and all by myself. I cried when I felt fear and when I felt joy. I cried when I saw others hurting over my husband's actions, and I cried when I saw him overwhelmed with the mess his actions created. I cried when the tears came on, and I didn't hold them in. If I've learned anything about allowing myself this, it's that if you don't stop the tears when they need to fall, they'll eventually stop themselves. This post is an excerpt from the book Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken and used with the permission of the author, Cindy Beall. In her book, Cindy's writes about her experience of recovery following her husband's confession of multiple affairs, one of which resulted in pregnancy. It is a story of faith and of her journey toward of grace and redemption
MadreSangreg
12/6/2017 11:17:56 am
Exactly! Thank You for sharing this, it is as if you read the emotions of MY broken, bleeding & bruised shattered soul.
Mary Jayne
12/6/2017 11:46:11 am
I cried and howled this morning, and it caught me by surprise. Looking at my wedding ring is what triggered it, then came the hurt, the bewilderment and the anger.
midwestgal
12/6/2017 03:51:53 pm
These are my words too. I am so sorry for all of you, all of us. I am only 4 mo. out and some days truly feel like we have made tremendous strides to move forward...and then tears and bewilderment. Thank you all for being so open and honest with your words/stories, it helps to heal me, and to know that I am not alone in this unchosen journey
Nancy
12/8/2017 09:59:45 am
I feel your pain...married for 28 years my husband had an emotional affair for 14 years (years 12 - 26)...it began when our 3 children were (5, 7 & 11) and ended with a physical affair in its 14th year. When the other woman's husband showed up at our door. He didn't know about the other years (I wish I had told him back then)... my heart aches when I remember the emotional roller coaster we experienced during those 14 years. The years our kids witnessed and lived through the drama only because the other woman would NOT hang up the phone (she was lonely because her husband worked out of town) My husband had to have sex with her in order to let her go...sad but true. Its been 2 years and sometimes feels like yesterday. Not sure my fears will completely go away or my heart will ever feel whole again. My husband has changed now, he's no longer on that roller coaster....Im riding it now.
Trinity
12/6/2017 03:36:50 pm
I cried the whole way through reading this.
Anna
12/6/2017 11:00:03 pm
Indeed it his cross not yours, life has to continue. As a child of God you will not luck, He will provide you with all your needs and He knows you are now alone.
Dee
12/7/2017 07:24:36 pm
Whewwwww, good point.
Anon
12/6/2017 04:03:40 pm
thank you for sharing this excerpt. I’ve just passed the 1 year mark in mid-Nov. & have to say this holiday season is so much worse than last year. I guess I was in shock, numb &/or on auto-pilot last year. I don’t know how I got through it. I feel so devastated & emotional. My husband doesn’t understand the “waves” of grief. In some ways our marriage has grown so much closer & we’re doing great & then BOOM a trigger. Trying to grow as a person & couple but this cross is so friggin’ heavy. No Mud No Lotus
Middy
12/6/2017 05:55:09 pm
This excerpt was helpful. The healing process is challenging! Almost 4 months have passed since d day, and I’m still grieving my marriage, those dreams of faithfulness; all destroyed! My husband was unfaithful, and it’s very hard to believe he could make such poor choices & hurt me this terribly. He says he’s sorry, that it was a mistake; he hopes that I will stay with him & he doesn’t want a divorce. As much as I pray to God for guidance, I’m wish-washy as to what to do. Sometimes I think I should leave him because I deserve so much better. Other times, I don’t want to be without him, but his actions are just shameful, disrespectful, neglectful (big character flaws), so why would a sane person stay? Am I strong or weak for trying to stay with him? I wonder if I would be happier on my own, or would it be easier without him as a partner? Is there someone more deserving of my love? Do I deserve more than he offers?
TBML
12/6/2017 10:32:23 pm
Middy,
Nancy
12/8/2017 10:01:40 am
I feel your pain. Its been 2 years and yet some days feels like yesterday.
V
12/6/2017 11:56:54 pm
11 weeks in from my wife's affair. Just when I thought I was doing OK after almost 1 week plus of no tears, suddenly burst out on Tuesday. Back to square one
Ginny
12/7/2017 04:49:36 am
Thanks for sharing. I believe this was one of the books recommended to me a few months ago by my dear counselor when I told her I felt like I was grieving; the heaviness in my heart, crying at the drop of a hat and at the mention of his name.
Bo
12/7/2017 10:25:35 am
4 months out and I still feel terrible. Multiple affairs over 12 years. Can I trust her ever again? I sure don't now. Should I keep trying? In the end does love really mean anything?
Tim
12/8/2017 08:13:42 am
Multiple affairs over 12 years would create a real challenge against rebuilding trust. Love DOES mean something, when it is genuinely and consistently offered by both partners. But should you keep trying?
bo
12/8/2017 09:12:27 am
I learned about all at once. I am still wrapped up in fear and sadness with a side of rage once in a while. The only thing that has changed is I now know my marriage was false.
Corey
1/5/2018 04:00:37 pm
Multiple affairs??? Pack your bags. It will never stop!! Sad .....
Untold
12/13/2017 12:48:08 pm
It's is not any easier for betrayed males. Sometimes harder to find and be comfortable talking to someone about the grief. Good to know there are other males out there who feel like me. I'm 5 years out from first partial DDay, three years from the last DDay, and still recovering.
HangingOn
12/20/2017 09:34:25 pm
"It IS SO sad that my husband will never be able to say that he was faithful through our marriage but that is his cross to bear NOT mine and I am sure that it is heavy." Comments are closed.
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AuthorUnless otherwise noted, articles are written by Tim Tedder, a licensed counselor and creator of this site and its resources. Topics
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