It's Good To Be Broken

When a partner has been betrayed and carries the wound of an affair, they long for the spouse to feel their pain and accept responsibility for it. To do this, the unfaithful partner must be willing to move toward that hurt rather than away from it. But let's be honest: most of us aren't wired that way.

In the presence of such overwhelming suffering, often expressed in anger, the guilty husband or wife usually reacts in self-protective ways by either avoiding or attacking their spouse. When that fight-or-flight response is mixed with a strong desire to sidestep the shame of an affair, it's easy to understand why so many cheating spouses simply want to voice a confession and then move on to other matters.

Here's how one betrayed spouse described her dilemma in a forum post: "[My husband] says he won't be punished for his transgression. He has made no effort for transparency or full disclosure, in fact I'm not allowed to bring [the affair partner] up or he threatens to leave."

Moving on too quickly leaves the betrayed spouse frustrated, struggling to let go of resentment caused by an inadequate response to their pain. They want to know that their spouse feels a deep, genuine sorrow, unfiltered by self-protective motives, for the affair. They need to believe their spouse really "gets it" and is not just looking for an easy pass back to normality.

When a betrayer genuinely understands the consequences of their affair and has an empathetic reaction to the pain they've caused, they experience an internal shift. They stop trying to self-protect or control outcomes and, instead, offer raw expressions of regret and sorrow. They start accepting responsibility for repairing the damage they caused.

This personal brokenness is usually a powerful turning point in the healing process. 

Not everyone experiences this in one grand moment. For some, it comes in a series of insights. But whatever the process, this brokenness is something that should be embraced, not avoided. Without it, the wounded spouse will have a harder time moving toward forgiveness and trust. In fact, they may never be able to reach them.

If you are a betrayed spouse and your partner has not expressed a sense of brokenness, what can you do?

First, consider what you cannot do.

1. You cannot move your spouse toward brokenness by insisting on it. In fact, if you demand it, you're likely to get the opposite result. Instead of soft vulnerability, you'll get hard resistance. People are drawn toward empathy, not pushed into it. 
   
   
2. You cannot move your spouse toward brokenness by shaming them. Someone who is shamed into sorrow will be self-focused rather than other-focused. They will experience a "sorrow that does not lead to repentance." Their tears may help you feel vindicated but they will likely lead to greater isolation, not reconnection.
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What you can do.

1. Find the right voice for your pain. Don't buy into the advice that says "be as angry as you want for as long as you want." This counsel is an over-reaction to the mistake of stuffing your pain and refusing to deal with it, but anger that is unrestrained can be as damaging as anger that is overly controlled.
   
   The fact is, you will have outbursts of anger and your spouse will need to figure out how to handle them with compassion. But if you use your anger as a weapon to inflict retribution, you will reap the consequences of battle. So find the words and ways to be honest about the pain you feel without going into attack. Here are some ideas:
   
   (a) Make a commitment to write down your feelings before you speak them, and then talk about them passionately and honestly.
   
   (b) Express your hurt in different ways. Make up a story. Write a poem or song. Show a clip from a movie that reflects how you feel. Ask your spouse to read a chapter from a book that explains what you are experiencing. All of these are indirect ways to express feelings, but might be received with less resistance.
   
   (c) When you realize you've acted in a way that inflicts hurt rather than invites healing, admit it and keep working toward more fruitful communication. While you're in trauma recovery mode, you may have little control over emotional outbursts. That's normal. However, in the aftermath of an emotional storm, your willingness to acknowledge the destructive nature of rage will help you and your partner maintain your hope for change.
   
   
2. Avoid trusting a partner who remains unbroken. The humble expression of remorse from an unfaithful spouse is a necessary beginning to healing. Without it, there is little chance for renewed trust. The manner in which brokenness is shown will differ from one person to the next, but genuine contrition will be repeatedly and sincerely communicated in some way. You cannot force it to happen. You can, however, refuse to risk ongoing vulnerability with someone who does not assume responsibility for the consequences of their betrayal.
   
   
3. Find other outlets for your anger. Physical exercise, venting with a trusted friend, working with a counselor, and shouting in solitude are all alternative options for expressing negative emotions. It's also important to understand the feelings that are underneath the angry (usually fear, powerlessness, shame, or pain) and talk honestly about those emotions.

If you have committed an affair but have not experienced brokenness, what can you do?

1. Refuse to run from your spouse's pain. Be willing to face it, not just for a moment, but for months. Your normal reaction will be to shut down or fight back, but you have to work hard to not do either of these things. Instead, committed to understanding your spouse's hurt.
   
   Sometimes, that means you'll be quiet and listen. Sometimes you will ask questions that invite your spouse to express their confusion and grief. This may be one of the hardest things you have ever done, but your spouse needs to feel heard and understood. You need to empathize as much as possible.
   
   Here are some suggestions:
    
   (a) Instead of waiting in dread for the next time your spouse unleashes anger, take the initiative in talking about these things. Tell your spouse you know you can't really understand how they feel, but that you want to try to listen and learn. Invite them to talk about it. Your willingness to start these conversations will help assure your spouse that you are not just concerned about protecting yourself.
    
   (b) Imagine a reversed story. Take your story and turn it around so that your spouse is the one who had the affair. Imagine them developing a secret relationship with a coworker, or with someone younger, or maybe even with one of your close friends. With as much vivid detail as you remember your own affair, imagine your spouse with this other person. How do you feel? Really think about it. And when you've imagined the worst possible scenario and can think about how that makes you feel, realize that the pain from this imagination is just a tiny fraction of what your spouse is actually experiencing.
   
   
2. Refuse to run from your own pain. You've got to be willing to deal honestly with you are feeling. If you're not aware of any deep emotions (pain, fear, disappointment, or shame), talk with someone who can help you gain some insight. Don't hesitate to get help or you will likely keep making the same relationship mistakes. 

What does brokenness look like?

Here's what one betrayed woman wrote about the eventual response of her wayward husband:

"When he walked in the door, I saw a broken man. He sat and sobbed on the couch next to me. I had never seen him cry, ever. I was sad, angry and hurt beyond words, but in that moment my heart broke for him, too. 

"What came across in his letter was a man who believed he wasn’t deserving of forgiveness. He knew his infidelity was a deal breaker and he came clean as a way of absolving me from any blame I might be tempted to put on myself... As we sat facing each other on the couch, I told him I didn’t know if I could ever get past this but I also didn’t know that I couldn’t."

His brokenness, over five years ago, was the beginning of their healing.