Affair healing Blog
After an affair is exposed, much pain and confusion is often experienced. And when a couple, caught up in the turmoil, reaches out for answers to the "What's next?" question, they are likely to hear many different answers.
I'd like to give you mine. My response is more than opinion. It is an honest conclusion that has been firmly established by many years of counseling individuals & couples following infidelity. It is learned from my own experience, too. But let me adjust the questions just a bit before I answer them further.
Let's take a closer look at each question... Sara turned to look at Dave sitting at the other end of the couch in my office. With a mix of hope and caution she said, "I'm willing to work through this and fix our marriage. Are you?"
Dave was slow to respond. Since his affair had been discovered two weeks ago, he had been swinging between the choice to recommit to his marriage, or leave it for good. His indecision left Sara confused, uncertain about her own choices. She wanted him to make a declaration, one way or another, so she could decide what her next steps would be. As long as Dave continued to vacillate, and as long as Sara waited on his choice before making her own, their relationship remained in limbo. Neither spouse was able to see a clear path forward. Although the betrayed spouse also must decide whether or not to stay in their marriage, this article will focus on the decision (or indecision) of the unfaithful spouse. By reading the decision meter, each spouse can determine the steps that will guide them away from relationship limbo. One of our Community members, flipperfive, posted this questions: ...I have opted, although slightly apprehensively, on an open door policy that he can visit whenever he likes so the children can see him as much as possible. I say apprehensively as while both I and the children enjoy seeing him I can not help but think there must be consequences from me as a result of his actions and one consequence may be the inability to just 'pop in' whenever it is convenient for him. The couple had come to counseling together but tucked themselves into opposite corners of the couch as they unfolded their story. She'd been caught in a 9-month affair and now they sat here wondering about the future of their marriage. She said the affair was technically over and he said he was willing to work toward recovery, but neither of them knew how to fix the mess that had been made of their relationship.
I asked them a question. "If counseling accomplishes what you want, what will be the outcome?" I simply want them to tell me more about their goals and expectations. The following was written by a person working to recovery from their affair: I personally believe there are wayward spouses and affair partners who are better fits than the spouses... You need to determine which one you really want to be with. You won't be able to figure that out if you are involved with both at the same time, and eventually a Dday will occur and then you will be forced into a decision you may eventually realize was not what you wanted. |
AuthorUnless otherwise noted, articles are written by Tim Tedder, a licensed counselor and creator of this site and its resources. Topics
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