Interview with Mark

Tim's interview as a follow-up to Mark's Story.

Tim: You wrote honestly about being torn between your sense of obligation to your wife and family and the emotional connection you had with Linda. If you could retain the knowledge of what you've learned and go back to make your choices all over again, what would you do?

“Our affair required me to live a dual life, and that is what destroyed me.”

Mark: I have little doubt as to what my choice would be. If I could go back, I would not have an affair. I wouldn't even go close to the line.

But I'd like to think I would make other choices as well. Instead of just accepting the state of my marriage, I'd want to be more honest in dealing with its problems—no longer pretending my disappointments didn't exist—and work harder at understanding how I contributed to the condition of our relationship. I'd want to put more effort into salvaging my marriage instead of escaping from it.

Pure romantics would damn duty for the sake of the heart, believing we should treasure the experiences of love whenever and wherever we find them, even if it requires secrecy and deceit. I have to admit, loving Linda felt wonderful, but our affair required me to live a dual life, and that is what destroyed me.

Tim: You call it love. Did you really love Linda?

Mark: Yes, I did. At the start, our affair was driven by emotional need and sexual passion, but later on, it became more than that. That's why opening the door to any kind of connection (emotional, physical, communication, etc.) that was promised only to your spouse is so dangerous. I believe it certainly is possible to fall in love with someone else.

It wasn't really helpful when people tried to tell me "this really isn't love you're experiencing" in hopes they could talk me out of the affair. When they said that early on, it was probably true, but there was no way they could have convinced me because it sure felt like love! Later on, I knew it wasn't true. You could say a lot of things about the relationship—it was wrong, it was selfish, it was destructive, it was foolish—but saying I didn't love her simply was not true.

Tim: If you really loved her, some might wonder why you didn't stay with her. Why?

Mark: I felt too much guilt. I also knew my family (parents, children) would have always struggled in accepting Linda, which would have made life very difficult. And, to be honest, I was still flawed in ways that made me vulnerable to the affair in the first place. I have little doubt that my relationship with Linda would have eventually come into trouble. Whether or not we could have survived or not, I'll never know, but I wouldn't be surprised if it failed. But we never experienced much of the boredom and disappointments that come from a real-life relationship. We ended while there was still some fantasy in the affair.

Tim: Did you receive counseling after your affair?

Mark: Yes. My wife and I went to counseling for a few sessions. It didn't do us much good for a couple reasons:

1. I really didn't want to go. We didn't go to counseling until after I had re-established connection with Linda, so in the counseling sessions I was just playing the game...saying what I thought they wanted to hear...but I did not have a real commitment to the process because I was still in contact with Linda. I don't think there is ANY way for someone to really make progress in their marriage while they maintain any contact with the other person.
    
2. The counselor seemed to dismiss my feelings for Linda. The approach seemed to be "ignore your feelings and just do what's right." That didn't work. While there was honestly a part of me that wanted to save my marriage/family, the emotional ties to Linda were powerful. I really needed someone to acknowledge that and help me deal with it. Counseling may have been more successful if I felt I was being listened to in that regard.

Tim: How did your life change after this story?

Mark: Eventually, I got to a good place, but it took time. Even after the brokenness I described, I had to deal with finding out the ways I was still flawed in my manner of loving others. It was a process of learning that took several more years. I had several other experiences, including more brokenness, that exposed the unhealthy patterns in my relationships. I continued to stumble before I could stand.

Tim: You said you're remarried. What's different about the way you engage in your marriage now?

“Because I know I am capable of failing, my wife has absolute rights into EVERY area of my life.”

Mark: My wife knows my story...all the ugly parts of it... more than I've told here. She's offered grace. We stay open and honest with each other and work on being connected with each other. I talk and touch a lot more now.

Because I know I am capable of failing, my wife has absolute rights into EVERY area of my life. I've told her she can ask anything and go anywhere. If she has any concern about another woman, she has the right to set boundaries for me. I won't argue. It's not a matter of being willing to do that only if I agree that she's right about her concern, she needs to know I value her need for security more than any other choice. It's important to me that she trusts me completely.

When either of us is frustrated in our relationship, we end up talking about it. She's great that way...encouraging me to get it out. Because we talk about concerns instead of keeping them in, there is little room for bitterness or disappointment to take root.

Tim: What else has helped you?

Mark: I've had good support from my family, a few friends, and God. I got really messed up in my faith in the years after the affair and I'm still in the process of growing in my experience and understanding of God, but I'm absolutely convinced that the one who made me has dealt with me in ways that are compassionate and graceful, and that helps me heal.