Forgiving an Affair: Premature Forgiveness

I believe it is a good thing when a person moves toward forgiving a spouse's affair, but I become a bit suspicious of forgiveness that is offered too quickly. That kind of premature forgiveness reminds me of my childhood encounter with the Neighborhood Bully.

My grade-school friends and I were playing by the side of the road when he came riding by on his bike. I knew Bully only by reputation and so had no idea why he stopped, letting his bike fall to the ground as he walked purposefully toward me. Before I could make any sense of the circumstance, and without speaking a word of warning, Bully punched me in the face. 

In those few seconds after the hit, my rattled brain scanned its memory data in search of anything that might be useful in issuing an appropriate response. The only retrievable information came from Sunday School lessons: "turn the other cheek" and "love your enemies." So, while Bully's glare was daring me to fight back, I focused on my feet and mumbled, "I forgive you."

"What?!"

If you try to offer forgiveness before you become completely aware of the offense, it will be superficial.

"I forgive you."

I figured Jesus was really happy with this response and so maybe he'd send angels swooping down with swords drawn, causing my attacker to run away in holy terror. Or maybe Bully would be overcome by my forgiving spirit and just back away in awed confusion.

Instead, he punched me again.

Since forgiveness didn't work, I tried something else: playing dead. I guess it wouldn't have been as much fun punching a kid whose face was planted in the dirt, so Bully got on his bike and rode away.

The following days were filled with revenge fantasies. I thought of every way that normal me and super-hero me might make Bully pay for his offense. My forgiveness had just been a temporary reaction, not a genuine response. It had been premature. 

I suspect that some clients have offered premature forgiveness for their spouse's affair. Soon after the the affair is discovered, these spouses are quick to declare, "Oh, I've already forgiven," only to return days or weeks later, confused by how angry they have become and how strongly they want their spouse to pay for their wrong. 

Forgiveness is a good thing. It's God-like. It frees us. It heals. But if you try to offer it before you become completely aware of the offense, your forgiveness will be superficial. Eventually, you will either have to back up and start over, or move into a kind of fake forgiveness (pretending to forgive, but not really).

Small offenses, of course, require small forgiveness. But when you experience the "knife in the heart" kind of hurt an affair inflicts, make sure you take the time to truly understand what happened. Then, out of this awareness, find your way toward forgiveness that is more honest... more sustainable... more mature.

____________________________

Forgiveness Articles Index:
Premature Forgiveness
Fake Forgiveness
Bartered Forgiveness
Decisional Forgiveness
Full Forgiveness 

Other articles on forgiveness:
Powerless Forgiveness Part 1: Selfish Apologies
Powerless Forgiveness Part 2: Penitence Without Pardon