Affair healing Blog
This message was recently posted in our Community forum:
I'm six months from D-day. I have noticed a few changes in my husband and I'm wondering if it is too early to let my guard down or if this is natural in healing. For instance, I don't access his email nearly as often. The same goes for his phone. Sometimes I forget to check to make sure he is where he says he is using the Find Friends app. Am I being foolish in not being more vigilant, or is this simply progress?
Sara turned to look at Dave sitting at the other end of the couch in my office. With a mix of hope and caution she said, "I'm willing to work through this and fix our marriage. Are you?"
Dave was slow to respond. Since his affair had been discovered two weeks ago, he had been swinging between the choice to recommit to his marriage, or leave it for good. His indecision left Sara confused, uncertain about her own choices. She wanted him to make a declaration, one way or another, so she could decide what her next steps would be.
As long as Dave continued to vacillate, and as long as Sara waited on his choice before making her own, their relationship remained in limbo. Neither spouse was able to see a clear path forward.
Although the betrayed spouse also must decide whether or not to stay in their marriage, this article will focus on the decision (or indecision) of the unfaithful spouse. By reading the decision meter, each spouse can determine the steps that will guide them away from relationship limbo.
Every week, I sit with couples trying to find their way through the devastation of infidelity in search of safety and stability in their marriage. The wounded partner, caught in the confusion of the trauma, desperately wants clarity. And so the questions begin.
Here's how one of our Community Forum members described the experience:
Years ago, I was video recording the “Family Night” event at our church’s summer camp. It was before the age of digital cameras and phones, and so my VHS recording would become the only visual documentation of that event.
The program was filled with the usual mix of silly and folksy presentations: skits, songs, and children pretending (usually unsuccessfully) to have talent. About halfway through the event, one of our elderly members started his stand-up comedy routine. He was a friend to many, father and grandfather to some who were there.
I witnessed the event through the lens of the video camera, watching his animated movements as he entertained the audience. When he suddenly stumbled forward, I thought it was part of the act. The witnesses did, too, even as he fell to the ground.
The following comment was posted in our Community Forum:
"...I know I was never going to be the person that convinced him to come back to our marriage. He has to make that choice on his own. But is physical separation with practically no communication really better? Am I just questioning this because I know he could choose to leave for good and I just can't let go completely? I don't even know what we should talk about that wouldn't defeat the purpose of the separation in the first place. But I also don't want to discourage communication that should be happening. I'm just not feeling confident about what is and isn't the right communication for this situation..."
Unless otherwise noted, articles are written by Tim Tedder, a licensed counselor and creator of AffairHealing.com.