The Sinkhole

Used with her permission, the following was written by one of my clients who recently discovered her husband's affair. As she tries to make sense of it all, this is the analogy that came to her mind...

A family friend spent years searching and saving for her dream home. When it was built it exceeded her expectations and she moved into it happily. After a short time, she began to notice some strange cracks that had developed along the walls and in doorways. She didn’t think much of it, but over time they got worse. When she noticed doors sticking in their frames, she started to have a bad feeling...perhaps something was wrong with her dream house. To find out, she called a home inspector.

Imagine her surprise when she found that her beautiful home was built on a sinkhole! No one knew it was there. The contractors and builders had not even thought to look. But now her home was in serious jeopardy. Could it be saved? Should it be saved?

She entered a legal nightmare fighting insurance companies, the builder of the home, and surveyors. There were many times when she wanted to give up and walk away. She was torn between her dream and the ability to live safely in it.

This story is a perfect metaphor for my marriage. To me, our marriage was a dream. It was what I had always wanted in a partnership and I was very happy. There were some cracks that developed over time. They probably needed my attention, but I ignored them thinking it was normal for small issues to develop in the shared lives of two people.

When his affair was revealed, I felt like the Earth disappeared from under my feet. The ground was no longer steady. I realized that the small cracks I had ignored were really connected to a much larger problem under the foundation of our marriage. This isn’t going to be a “quick fix”, something that can be corrected with a few heart to heart talks. It's going to be a slow and painful process with no guarantee of a happy ending. Can our marriage be saved? Should it be?

Like my friend, I am shocked at the extent of the damage that has been done. I worry about fixing it. Will our marriage be repairable? Will we be able to live under the same roof happy, comfortable, and safe again? Can we afford the financial, emotional, and perhaps legal turmoil that has been unearthed?

Her story has a happy ending. Her insurance company settled, making it possible for her to repair her lovely home. She found out the news just this past Monday and was overwhelmed with joy. Her decision has been made and the hard work to repair the foundation, while still ahead, can be done. Her home will be as good as new, and maybe better. She is relieved and content.

I am still waiting, in the very beginning part of this process, to see if our marriage can be saved. I hope it can and I am willing to work. I can’t ignore the cracks any longer. I don’t want to. In the end I hope my dream home will be better than before and shared with me by the man I love.