Facebook Affairs

Just in this past week of my affair recovery counseling, Facebook has been mentioned nearly every day. Each story was unique, and yet there was a common theme: connections made on the social network blossomed into an affair. Sometimes these affairs grew out of new relationships discovered and nutured online, but more often they developed as a result of reconnections made with past friends or lovers.

Despite these connections between Facebook and affairs, I want to be clear in stating that Facebook does not cause affairs. Facebook is an amazing piece of technology that allows us to connect to other people in new and wonderful ways. I have a Facebook account, as do many of my family and friends. It is an extraordinary tool, but like most tools, careless use can result in damage. Since we live in a world where the use of this technology will likely grow rather than diminish, it is important that marriages learn how to successfully navigate through social networks.

So how do you enjoy the benefits of services like Facebook while avoiding relationships that cross marriage boundaries? You can avoid social network pitfalls by following these four guidelines:

1. Act as though your spouse was next to you. Most of the time, online romantic relationships begin with conversations that "cross the line just a little bit." Refrain from any communication you would avoid if you knew your spouse was listening in. Little compromises turn into bigger ones, so don't allow them. 
2. Set each other's boundaries for past romantic relationships. Many affairs start with a reconnection to a former lover. Couples should discuss their expectations regarding past relationships, each committing to live within boundaries that allows his/her spouse to feel safe in their marriage. 
3. Give your spouse access to your account. Willingness to share account login information with your spouse is a great way of maintaining trust and avoiding secrets. Some couples even prefer to combine their separate accounts into a shared one. 
4. Get help early. If you and your spouse have been moving away from each other or against each other (rather than toward each other), ask for help. Agree together to talk to someone (a counselor, a religious leader, a healthy couple you trust) who will help get your marriage back on track. If discontent becomes the norm, your vulnerability to another relationship will increase.