Read Answers for: The One Having an Affair | The Spouse | The Other Man/Woman | Family & Friends
 

Questions & Answers:
The Other Woman/Man in an Affair

• He/she says the affair needs to end, but then keeps coming back to me. What should I do?
• I invested a lot in this relationship, but now he/she has gone back to his/her family and I'm left with nothing. I'm still in love. What am I suppose to do?
• I'm not the only one who was at fault in what happened, but it seems like I'm judged more severely. How to deal with what others are thinking/saying about me?

Note: The focus of this web site is in helping individuals who have been through an affair that has ended (or is in the process of ending). In some cases, the "Other Man/Woman" becomes the new partner in a relationship that has its own issues (like, How do I deal with the ex? What should my relationship be with his/her children? Why do we struggle with trusting each other? Should I feel guilty?), but here I attempt to help deal with the more common issues faced by the Other after the affair is over.

Q: He/she says the affair needs to end, but then keeps coming back to me. What should I do?

A: You need to take the initiative in ending the relationship once and for all. You probably already realize that this will not end well for you. I'm sure that breaking off the relationship will be hard, but you will find recovery easier to manage if you take control of the situation instead of letting it continue to control you.

Besides, this isn't just about you. There is a spouse and possibly children who are being affected by all this (even if they don't know). If you really care about your lover, you should have no further contact with him/her. This will give everyone (including you) the chance to move toward recovery sooner rather than later.

Q: I invested a lot in this relationship, but now he/she has gone back to his/her family and I'm left with nothing. I'm still in love. What am I suppose to do?

A: I know you are in a difficult position. You likely have fewer support options than your former lover. People will tend to judge you more harshly and place more blame on you, perhaps unfairly. If so, you will have less sympathy from others for your plight.

That's unfortunate, because you need caring people to come alongside you, support you, and help you move past the pain. More importantly, you need someone to help you gain insight into what made you vulnerable to this kind of relationship. If you don't understand how you got here, you risk repeating the mistake.

As much as you want to reconnect with your former lover, don't. For your sake and their sake, you must have no more contact of any kind with him/her. Each time you reconnect, even in small ways, you have to start the "getting over you" process again. You'll be in a healthier place 6 months from now if you determine to stick to the No Contact rule.

I strongly encourage you to get help from a good counselor. He/she will help not only move through your grief, but also assist you in preparing for future relationship that is more secure and more satisfying.

Q: I'm not the only one who was at fault in what happened, but it seems like I'm judged more severely. How to deal with what others are thinking/saying about me?

A: I agree, it's not fair. Even in situations where the unfaithful spouse did more to initiate and drive the affair, people tend to judge the "other" as the marriage-breaker. You may hear some rather unkind things said to you or about you. There's not much you can do about that. In fact, trying to stamp out the rumors just helps them spread, and arguing your case rarely wins over supporters. You need to give attention to yourself and be honest about what you've been through. Find support where you can...even if it's a single friend or counselor. Listen to the voices that care enough about you to love you and tell you the truth. Learn to ignore the rest.