Read Answers for: The One Having an Affair | The Spouse | The Other Man/Woman | Family & Friends
 

Questions & Answers:
The Betrayed Spouse

• I suspect my spouse is cheating, but they deny it. What should I do?
• My spouse has been involved with someone online. It feels like an affair to me but he/she say's I'm taking things too seriously. Am I over-reacting?
• What do I do with my anger?
• My spouse doesn't want to tell me the details. Don't I have the right to know everything?
• Should I talk to the other woman (or other man) to find out more about the affair or to help my own healing process?
• Does my spouse have the right to expect my forgiveness?
• Will I ever be able to trust my spouse again?
• Is my marriage worth saving?
• How long will it take our marriage to heal?
• Should I make my spouse go to counseling?
• Should I have sex with my spouse? Should I be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases?

Q: I suspect my spouse is cheating, but they deny it. What should I do?

A: If you expect they are cheating, there's a good chance they are, but odds are they will will not admit it. The more you accuse, the more they will deny.

I believe you have a right to know what is going on. I would encourage you to make a note of all the evidence that leads you to conclude he/she is involved in an affair. (See the "Signs of an Affair" list below.) It's unlikely that a single indicator will be absolute proof that something is going on, but any pattern of changed behavior, along with your gut suspicions, are important to consider. You should take time to gather as much information as you can before talking to your spouse about it.

Ideally, you should remain IN CONTROL when you question your spouse. If you are likely to lose your temper, you may want to consider writing letter and asking your spouse to read it alone or with you nearby. If there is any chance that they might come clean (a possibility if the affair has run its course of if they are struggling with a weight of guilt), you are more likely to achieve a desired result with controlled confrontation rather than with angry accusations. Anger puts people into a "fight or flight" mode that prohibits healthy dialogue. Don't assume; don't blame; just ask. But don't give them all the evidence you have. Be sure to hold out some important information because this will be a good indicator of how honest they are willing to be. If they try to create a story to explain away your evidence, it's likely that your withheld information will make their continued deception obvious.

In most cases, the spouse will deny an affair and will likely try to make you feel ridiculous for even suspecting such a thing. Listen; don't argue. Make sure you have clearly communicated your questions and concerns and let them respond. Do the answers make sense? Is there a chance you got things wrong?

If you still have any doubt, you have the right to know the truth. You may want to wait and try again to present your spouse with troubling observations, but at some point, you may need to take more deliberate steps to find out the truth and find out if your spouse is cheating.

The Signs of an Affair:
a change in their sexual behavior with you (less sex, or suddenly trying new things); an unexplained sexually transmitted disease; being overly-defensive about the person you suspect; unaccounted for time away from you; unusual changes in personal or work schedules; increased emotional distance from you and other family members; the sense that their thoughts are often "somewhere else"; unexplained expenses; sudden interest in new activities or hobbies; heightened attention to appearance (buying new clothes, getting in shape); secrecy with phone calls, emails, or text messages; the smell of someone else's perfume or cologne; being freshly showered at odd times of the day/night; being vague about where they were or who they were with... speaking in generalities and avoiding specifics.

Q: My spouse has been involved with someone online. It feels like an affair to me but he/she say's I'm taking things too seriously. Am I over-reacting?

A: No, I don't think you are. Any word, feeling, touch, or desire that belongs to you but is given to someone else falls into the category of an affair and will certainly feel like betrayal to you.

Today's technology allows for easy access to online relationships. These relationships can vary in many ways: some involve only writing through email, chat, or message boards; some involve pictures or video; some involved real-time video and talking. The level of contact varies from text-only writing to arranging face-to-face meetings, but all levels of contact can result in the kind of intimate communication and interaction that was promised to the spouse alone.

There are web sites dedicated to helping married people find relationships outside their marriage. Instead of helping couples move through their problems, they provide an easy way of escape. In my experience, online affairs can be nearly as devastating as offline affairs...and sometimes more-so. You should approach them in the same way as other kinds of affairs and get help working through them.

Q: What do I do with my anger?

A: If you found out your spouse was cheating on you, you will experience anger. Initially, some of this anger will be directed at your spouse. Don't hesitate to express it. You may not have much control over your initial reactions, but eventually you can be more thoughtful in the way you express your outrage. Be honest. Be firm. But try to stay away from abusive words or actions since these will continue to destroy your relationship.

As much as you may feel your spouse deserves the full and continual outpouring of your rage, believe me when I tell you that it would damage both of you. Find a good friend that will let you vent. Look for ways to physically let out your aggression without hurting others. Find a trusted counselor who can help you learn who to healthy expression to the anger.

Q: My spouse doesn't want to tell me the details. Don't I have the right to know everything?

A: You have a right to know the details, but you shouldn't know all of them. I understand your curiosity to know everything about the affair. When I ask spouses to list every specific question they have, it is not unusual for them to come up with pages and pages of them. And that's just at the beginning. New questions will arise throughout the course of recovery.

These questions can't be ignored, but I strongly encourage you to take some time before you decide what questions to ask. When it comes to the details, be aware that you will never be able to unheard what you are told. Some fact will hurt you more than help you because although they satisfy your immediate need to know, they become the details that haunt you and steal away pleasant moments from your future. Don't give the affair that kind of power.

There are details you definitely need to know. Anything that maintains the secrecy of the affair should be exposed. Beyond that, you will need to decide what you want to ask. As a basic rule, I would suggest that the extent of the relationship (how far did it go emotionally and physically) should be explained, but many of the specific details may be better left unsaid. Think of it as a picture: you should expect to see it's boundaries/size (knowing everything the affair encompassed), but you may not want the contents of the picture to be crystal clear. Whatever you demand to see, you'll have to carry with you forever, so be careful.

The very nature of an affair probably took your spouse to some extreme places. In all likelihood, they spoke, felt, and acted in ways that were very passionate. That's what people in affairs do. How much will you want to know a year from now? I would encourage you to rely on a pastor, counselor, or wise mediator to help you determine what questions you should ask. But whatever you end up asking, they should be willing to give the answers.

Q: Should I talk to the other woman (or other man) to find out more about the affair or to help my own healing process?

A: There is not an absolute answer to this question. It depends on the particular variables of your situation. Consider the following questions when deciding whether or not to make contact...

• Is this person a stranger to you?
  If you do not know them at all, you are less likely to be able to predict the response you will get if you make contact.
• Are you able to control yourself? Will you (and they) be safe?
  Don't complicate your situation by risking the consequences of any verbal or physical abuse you may inflict out of anger. And don't put yourself in a risky situation. If you make any contact, you must be sure that you will be able to maintain control. Making first contact by phone or email may help. Asking a responsible friend (not your spouse) to go with you is also recommended. Meet in a public place. Your friend can sit a distance away if the other person feels threatened or uncomfortable by their presence.
• Do you think your spouse is still lying to you about the affair? Are they refusing to admit what's going on?
  If so, then talking to the other woman/man may be a way of getting more of the truth. Don't call with threats but with a strong intention of moving toward the truth in order to put things right. (The other woman/man may already be conflicted with their own sense of wanting things to be "right" even if their view of that is different than yours.) It's often surprising how much the other person is willing to tell.
• Have you already started the process of confession and reconciliation with your spouse?
  If so, going behind their back to talk to the other woman/man will likely be a setback. If you have already started a reconciliation process, you should inform your spouse of your intent to talk to the other person. You don't need your spouse's permission, but you should let them know your intent.

Here are some possible risks you should be aware of:

• Not getting what you need.
  The other woman/man has no obligation to talk to you. You cannot force them to do so and you must respect their wishes in this regard. I know it seems ridiculous to tell you to respect the wishes of someone who has shown little respect for what you want or need. It may not be fair, but leave them alone if they do not want to communicate with you. Trying to insist on their cooperation can get you into personal and perhaps even legal trouble.
• Finding out more than you expected, perhaps more than you wanted to know.
  Getting to the truth is necessary, but it is important for you to have significant truth about the affair, not exhaustive truth. Some things are probably not helpful to know.
• Your spouse's anger.
  If your spouse has continued lying to you, the last thing he/she will want you to do is talk to the other person in the affair. Some spouses may respond with anger when they find out you have done, or what you intend to do.

Here are some possible benefits:

• You find out the truth. The cycle of lying is broken. Unanswered questions no longer torment you (although the truth you learn may bring a new kind of pain).
• You have more control over what is happening.
• You gain a more balanced perspective in regard to motives and responsibilities in the affair.

Bottom line: You should do what you need to do in order to move toward healing. If contacting the other woman/man is something that will help you do that, then plan on how that can best be accomplished. Don't just rush into a confrontation. Be sure that you have thought things through and maintain appropriate control of the situation. Involve a counselor or trusted friend to help you through the process.

Q: Does my spouse have the right to expect my forgiveness?

A: They will want it. They will hope for it. But they cannot demand it. Forgiveness is your gift to give or withhold. But I will tell you that whether or not they deserve it, I believe you do need to forgive...for your own sake. Whether or not your marriage survives, you need to be able to move on unencumbered by the weight of bitterness or vengefulness. It will affect your peace of mind and your future relationship. Let go of the blame.

Another thing: you'll never be able to move toward trust until you forgive. You can forgive without trusting; but you cannot trust without forgiving.

Q: Will I ever be able to trust my spouse again?

A: The rebuilding of trust takes time. Your spouse broke a promise to you and inflicted a wound that is probably deep. He/she needs to repay the damage by exerting great effort in earning your trust back. At first, you'll probably suspect and question every little thing, but in time you'll gradually find a growing list of items that are of no real concern to you anymore.

It's likely that you'll always have a new sensitivity to potential "red flags" in your spouse's behavior. That's not a bad thing. But if your spouse continues to remain open, transparent, and accountable, you'll eventually learn to trust again.

Q: Is my marriage worth saving?

A: If the discovery of the affair is recent, you probably aren't even at a place to be able to answer that question right now. You need time to determine whether or not both of you are willing to invest yourselves in the building of a healthy marriage. I usually encourage couples to wait 6 to 12 months before even considering the divorce question.

Consider everything that you've got invested in your marriage, including children. Consider the personal and financial costs of a divorce. Consider the possibility for a better partnership than you had before, if you both are willing to work toward healing.

Only you can make your choice, and you certainly have the right to come to a "no" conclusion.

Q: How long will it take our marriage to heal?

A: Probably longer than you think. At least months, possibly years. One standard rule of thumb is that the time required for marriage recovery is often equal to the length of affair (from start to absolute end). If the affair lasted for 10 months, expect about 10 months to recover. Recovery from long-term affairs can require as much as two years or more.

The road to recovery is difficult. You'll have to be willing to go through a lot of pain to get to the other side. Your partner will have to exercise a lot of patience and care to help you get there. You'll have good days, bad days, and really bad days, but as time goes by you'll discover that the bad days diminish and the good days increase.

Q: Should I make my spouse go to counseling?

A: Counselors have different opinions about this, but here's mine...

I believe you should demand they attend counseling with you, but insist only on 2 or 3 sessions. After that, let them know it's up to them whether they continue or not and then be careful to not guilt them into continuing if they choose against it. Continued counseling with someone who really doesn't want to be their is fruitless—a waste of time and money.

But I think asking them to come to a few initial sessions is reasonable because it's possible that they'll unexpectedly discover it's not as bad as they thought it would. Maybe they'll even find a measure of hope that things can change.

Here's what you can do to encourage a more favorable reaction to counseling: [1] choose a counselor who is experienced and is known for making people feel comfortable in therapy; [2] clearly state that you are only asking your spouse to commit to a few sessions and then they are free to decide whether or not they will continue; [3] make sure you don't use counseling as an opportunity to blast your spouse. As much as you might want to vent in those early sessions, be willing to listen and learn. A good counselor will guide the process.

Q: Should I have sex with my spouse? Should I be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)?

A: There are a lot of factors that go into determining how quickly you begin having sex with your spouse again. Some people want to engage in sexual activity right away. Others wonder if they'll ever want to do it again. If this is a troubling question for you, I'd encourage you to get some input from a pastor or counselor. But whatever you do, do not engage in sexual activity until your spouse has been tested for STDs. Do not trust their story of how "clean" the other person was. The truth is, they really don't know. You need to protect yourself. Insist that they be tested and show you the test results.

If you've already had sex with your partner since the start of the affair, you should be tested as well.