Read Answers for: The One Having an Affair | The Spouse | The Other Man/Woman | Family & Friends

My son recently said to me, "Mom, he may have apologized to you [about the affair] but he never apologized to us." I think the couple involved in the affair, at the time, need desperately to believe that the affair does not affect the children.

I found out as an adult that throughout my child hood my father had SEVERAL affairs. I only found this out after he passed away and all the dirty laundry was addressed. I was angry, hurt and depressed for months. People would say to me, "But, he cheated on your mother, not you." WRONG. He cheated on all of us as far as I am concerned. I have finally forgiven him—what else can I do but, the scars will never go away of what he did to my mother, to our family, to me.

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Questions & Answers: Family & Friends

Q: I suspect or know that one of my parents is having an affair. What should I do?

A: You need to be honest about what you know. If you have a strong and healthy relationship with either of your parents, talk to him/her about your concerns. If you're uncomfortable with this, go to a pastor or counselor or one of your parents' friends and get their input.

Here are two things not to do: [1] Don't keep it in. Bottled up worry or anxiety can really mess you up. You need to tell somebody. [2] Don't blame yourself. You should understand that if there is an affair going on, it was not your choice and any consequences are not your fault.

If you know your parent is having an affair, I'd encourage you to be creative in the way you communicate your feelings to them. Even though it may seem like nothing you do or say makes any difference, what you say makes a big impact on your parent even if they don't show it. Write a letter... draw a picture... create a story... find ways of showing your parent how much you want them to be part of your family again.

Q: I suspect that my friend's spouse is cheating. Should I tell my friend about my suspicions?

A: Wouldn't you want to know? In fact, you should tell them before you talk to anyone else about it. Don't participate in gossip; your friend deserves better than that from you. But if you really think something might be happening, you should warn them.

Don't pretend to know more than you do. Unless you know solid facts, admit that you might be wrong and then just tell them what you suspect and why you suspect it.

Q: My friend has just found out about their spouse's affair. What can I do to help?

A: How good of a friend are you? I ask that honestly because it will take a strong friendship to help support a betrayed spouse. They will likely go through weeks and months of intense pain and grief. Things will get worse before they get better.

They need a safe place to vent. They need a relationship they can trust. If you are the kind of friend who can weather this kind of storm, God bless you. You will be a valuable part of their healing.

Your friend will swing between periods of rage and grief. If all their rage is spent on their spouse, it will be destructive. Encourage them to vent with you so they can be more intentional in the words they use with their spouse. And since they may not be able to trust the affection of their spouse, they need family and friends like you to provide a safe place to express their pain and sorrow.

Give what you can. You don't have to have all the answers; you just have to be willing to be there. And if it starts to feel overwhelming to you, spend some time away before getting involved again.